Boo The Bootch

My Ingredients for Retro Pin Up

2012-02-12T17:03:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I attended a White Gloves Brunch with my two BFF's Ann and Rachel at the Rotunda at Neiman Marcus.

Now I know the theme was "Ladies who lunch," but I ended up looking more like Traci Lords from Crybaby rather than a proper Southern Belle.

I learned how to do this look when I was a huge Masuimi Max fan girl. I had never seen an Asian American pinup model before, and because of her I began to experiment with Bettie Page bangs and 40's up dos.

The retro 40's/Rockabilly look is a little over saturated in Los Angeles, so I've been a little hesitant to bring it back.

In order to do this hair style you have to set you whole in huge curlers, spray a shit ton of hairspray, tease furiously from the root, and start rolling your hair from front to back. Then you pin. I would recommend large bobby pins. I didn't have them this time around, so my hair was sort of falling by the end of the day. Once I set the rolls, I just curled the bottom with a large barrel curling iron. However, I'm going to invest in some hot rollers, because that what they used to use in the back the day, and it will hold the curls better.

There are a ton of how-to videos, and I wish I had one to recommend, but on the real, I just stalked some rockabilly girls on Myspace back in the day, and I just copied as best as I could.

As far as makeup is concerned, I contoured, used minimal eyeshadow, but had a wicked cat eye with MAC boot black liquid liner. Donned some fake eyelashes and red lipstick and I was hitching for a ride like Miss Traci Lords below.

Here's my Inspiration and also product list of what I used to get this look:

Okay back to our hot brunch. When we booked this brunch I immediately knew which dress I wanted to wear. I finally got to sport my gray business dress from the Banana Republic Mad Men Collection. I didn't know how committed to character we were going to be, so I didn't get a fancy hat that a nice Southern lady would wear. I instead opted for curling and rolling my hair, which went with the outfit just fine.

However, when I arrived I was pleasantly surprised on how each of us interpreted the theme of the day. Of course my girls looked at beautiful as always. Ann's look was more Mary Tyler Moore and Rachel was dressed as a hot society wife in NYC in a cute strapless dress. I seriously have to be friends with these two forever, because they know too much about me and it would be a security risk if we were to part :)

We had a great time gossiping, ordering fancy food, and just being girls. I've been grateful to have these two as my girls for almost ten years now. The three of us are so different in aspirations, style, and personality, but when we are together all we do is laugh.

Thanks for the blessings and the giggles ladies... till we meet again.

Bill Cunningham

2012-02-04T13:56:00.000-08:00

"Fashion is the armor to survive the reality of everyday life"

Bill Cunningham is such a compelling character for film, because you can't judge right away whether of not he is empowered or disempowered.

At first impression, you wouldn't assume that Bill was in the fashion industry. Every day he dons a blue jacket from a hardware store, but he is freakishly obsessed with clothes to a point that makes you wonder..... why?

Hailed as the "Most important person in the word," his fashion photos are a coveted feature for the New York Times. Bill has spent his career photographing clothes of people of every size, shape, and color. There doesn't seem to be a cruel cell in his body. I would even declare that he might be the nicest person in NYC.

He truly is a purveyor for art and not a socialite, and would push aside a famous celebrity in an instant to get to the regular person with the most interesting outfit. He calls everyone "child" and squeals "you kids!" with such sincerity and energy, you wonder how this a beautiful light navigates through all of the snooty patooties in the fashion industry. Everyone in the industry clamors to get Bill at every major event. It's beautiful and frightful at the same time.

I projected a lot of feelings of loneliness and sadness when I watched this documentary. Behind the smile, the bike, and the endless pockets of powerful friends, I just saw this little boy in an 80 year-old body. And at the same time, I just love him to pieces. Fashion truly is an armor. Life is freaking hard, why not look good while trying to get through it?

Bill's documentary is currently on Netflix. Check it out.

Raja Inspired: How to Contour an Asian Face

2012-02-04T12:35:00.001-08:00

Contouring Tools by boothebootch on polyvore.com

The first time a makeup artist tried to contour my nose she made me look like a Klingon. Not only was I saddened that she was trying to reshape my nose, but the lines that she used to contour my face were too harsh and too obvious. In the Philippines they use this method for T.V. so that they can create the illusion of a thin pin nose, but when the contouring is too obvious it's pretty horrible.

I have a love/hate relationship with my nose as you can tell by over butt-hurtness of the Klingon situation. It wasn't until I saw Raja (WHO I LOVE) on Rupaul's Drag Race, that I started to understand the purpose of contouring, and how it can accentuate an Asian face without butchering the beautiful nose that was god given.

I'll be the first to tell you Raja as a dude is FIONE. With absolutely no makeup he's gorge and perfect just way he is. When he gets in drag he contours the sides of his nose and his cheekbones. As a result showcases his eyes and lips more and displays a more feminine look.

There are a tons of videos on YouTube that will show you how to do it, but after much research on I found that this video best explained how to best "blend in" the contouring without looking like a Klingon.

After much practice with the right tools, and the proper tutelage, last night was my best contouring session. Not only was I happy that my efforts reshaped my cheekbones and nose, but I was able to kind of hide my ole forehead! I rarely go out without my bangs, but because I contoured it, I definitely felt more comfortable showing my dome.

The two godsend tools that make contouring success is the MAC 187 brush and the Sephora concealer brush. To set it up you have to the do the tribal warpaint step that they show in the video, and that's what I use the Sephora concealer brush for. The MAC 187 brush is what I use to blend everything together. This is the miracle brush, and also my most favorite of all my brush children.

I further highlighted my cheeks with a MAC peachy blush, and voila! You have a contoured face :)

I'm all about loving one's face. Everyone has features that are not their favorites, and contouring is not a way make them vanish, but rather to a way to embrace the face that you have. The links below have the product info for all of the contouring tools. Enjoy!

Contouring Tools by boothebootch on polyvore.com

Good Days

2012-02-03T09:09:00.000-08:00

I had an awesome week. I'm learning a lot in my new internship and I'm meeting a lot of dope people. I've been blessed to be surrounded by great writers, dancers, film makers, stylists, and so on. They let me know that a creative career is possible. I continue to live on a prayer.

When I have a good day... I try to look like this.....

But inside I feel like this.....

By the way. I've submitted my FINAL grad school application. I'm relieved and exhausted at the same time.

Tatiana's Look

2012-01-27T20:47:00.001-08:00

My good friend Tatiana asked if I would be her stylist next time I came to the bay. Of course I was flattered, and was happy to help since I'm trying to curb my own spending at the moment. I suggested that I make a fashion board for her instead. Eh, it's not really at Vogue status yet, so I'm gonna have to practice some more. The names by her outfits are celebrities that give her a fashion boner.

Anyhoo, Tatiana is a major babe. I hope she shops for the both of us and *sniff* makes me proud :D

Tatiana by boothebootch featuring a suede jacket

Toodles

2012-01-24T10:17:00.000-08:00

There's not enough shopping or baking to make up for my neurosis, but because of it, I have a bitchin shoe collection right now.

It was suggested to me to put all of the things that trigger worry into a box, so I did. Now it's in a storage unit that is far away from me.

It's been a couple of days since I've done this, and I'm ashamed to admit that I miss some of the items. I know this is strange. You shouldn't have to miss the things that worry you, but sometimes the worry is a comfort when you are by yourself in a large city.

I have a couple of nieces and nephews who are about to enter adult hood. Some of them are very afraid to grow up. I have very clear memories of their parents when they were teenagers, and the attitude towards growing up couldn't be any different.

It's so funny to me, because I was like a bat out of hell when I turned 18. All of a sudden I could stay out all night, I could date, and do all the debouchary that I had always wanted to do. Now I would beg the gods to let me go back to high school so I can do it over again. So I guess, I don't blame my nieces and nephews for not wanting to grow up.

I have one more school to apply to, and then I just sit on my hands and wait. It's time to for the stressful ritual of looking for a job. I need to channel my worry from comfort to motivation. Lets get it cracking.

Spank Bank: Metallic and Oh I'm an Animal Edition

2012-01-24T09:49:00.001-08:00

I think I've mentioned before that my steez is Rihanna meets Kate Moss if they had a coked up baby. People joke that just basically means "studded crap." I guess I should rename this set glamour meets studded crap edition. All of you. Please pray that ANY of these items go on a decent sale. This bootch will be grateful.
Spank Bank: Metallic Oh I'm an Animal Edition by boothebootch featuring a black bag

French Connection deep v dress
$348 - bloomingdales.com

French Connection cotton dress
£160 - houseoffraser.co.uk

Sam Edelman high heel boots
$150 - heels.com

Rebecca Minkoff flap handbag
$595 - ebags.com

Rebecca Minkoff black bag
$195 - stefanibags.com

COACH boyfriend jewelry
$348 - coach.com

Golden Globes GORGE: Salma Hayek and Charlize Theron

2012-01-16T11:51:00.000-08:00

Kelly Osbourne: A True Pinay in Her Golden Globes Dress

2012-01-16T11:41:00.000-08:00

PS I know I spelled her name wrong, but I'm too lazy to change it.

This Gave Me a Tingle in My No No Parts

2012-01-10T20:19:00.000-08:00

This fool totally sings like a Pinoy. I don't know how to explain why, but his "emoting" is a very Filipino thing. SWOON!

Second Hand Adventures: Clothing Swap and Crossroads

2012-01-10T16:03:00.000-08:00

I got invited to a clothing swap in Long Beach this past weekend. I was sort of overwhelmed to walk into a room of 20 Filipino women dumping clothes in the middle of room, but the whole day was super fun and it was cool meeting new folks.

I suppose a clothing swap is appropriate for the new year. I like to reassess my closet every year and get real with what I do and don't wear. However, when my closet starts to lose weight I fill it back up again with more clothes.

Before this past weekend I had cleaned out my closet to sell, but I ended up coming back from Crossroads with more stuff than I sold =/ I seriously have a problem. I'm not sure if it's because I'm not dating, but I just feel so comforted by my clothes. Hello someone submit me for Hoarders! Whenever I get home from a binge I b-line for my room to avoid my roommate clowning the shit out of me, as I clutch my clothes and yell "It's my money fool! I can buy whatever I want!"

Well even though my last binge was all second hand stuff, I can't say that I actually saved money or created more space. But I came up like a true shopaholic. Below are my favorite items.

So my shopping choices are half delusional and half impulse. Every girl looks at an outfit that puts them in a fantasy of a fabulous future event. So I'll let you know what the fuck I was thinking!

1. Puma Sweatshirt: I'm a huge fan of Weezer. I might go to a casual dinner in this and talk about the 90's. Actually I found this sweater in the pile after a bootch tried to take item #3 off my back, but I'll get into that later. Anyhoo, I got really nostalgic when I saw this sweater. I'll probably rock it with some shorts and kicks.

2. Shaun White Flannel: I see myself lounging around a coffee shop and being hip in this shit. Look at me on my laptop I'm writing fucker! *sips on expensive coffee*

3. Adidas Jacket: So during the swap the rule was, if you are already wearing it, it's yours. If it's not on you, you have to rock paper scissors for it. This tall bootch wanted to rock paper scissor for the jacket, so I looked at her with my mean ass bootch face. I let her try it on, and then the sleeves were too short. I told her I would shed a tear for her, and then said "now give me my jacket back bitch."

4. Cynthia Vincent Sweater: If your guess was that I would be hiking up Machu Pichu in this, then you are a snarky asshole. I got this from Crossroads. It's actually mad cute and comfortable. Wool and cashmere! Woot Woot! I have an all black maxi dress that I can wear this with.

5. United Colors of Benetton Jacket: Hopefully I can march around Sweden in this solving a murder with a girl who has a dragon tattoo. It's super Euro, but quite comfortable. Very rarely does it get cold enough in LA to sport this, but I have it just in case.

6. Ethnic Man's Shirt: Oh Boy... looks like I'm going to have to organize a rally! Where's my headwrap! Got this at the clothes swap. This was actually longer, but I hemmed it just now to give it a more feminine look. I'm gonna pair this with my black leather shorts or some wide legged pants.

7. BCBG Heels: Dude fierce and comfortable! When I saw these at Crossroads I sort of died. These are shoes that will last beyond getting from the car to the dining table. I can actually trek around the city in these.

8. Boutique 9 Kitten Heels: Another Crossroads find, but I'm gonna be real. These shoes are two sizes too big for me. Just listen..... I couldn't find them online anywhere. They are the perfect heel, very Ashley Olsen, with a touch of Rihanna. I will stuff the shit out of these shoes until they fit me.

9. Jewelry From the Clothing Swap: Bout to get my Erykah Badu on! I was actually eyeing all of this stuff while the coordinator was making the rules. I saw the two fingered ring from the corner of my eye, and at the same time was grabbing the door knockers and bangles. Yo, do not mess with my shopping. I will kill a bitch to get to the the stuff that I want.

Closing thoughts: Second hand can be a killer to the wallet even if you don't buy anything new for the whole year. However, it's worth it if you like bougie shit. There is no way I would have been able to afford the Cynthia Vincent sweater at full price, that sweater was probably $300. So there. Enjoy your second hand adventures.

Santee Alley: The Harajuku of Los Angeles

2012-01-05T11:27:00.000-08:00

My good mate Joi is a very talented fashion stylist. Meaning this bootch is a professional shopper, and she is my "pusher" for clothes. One day I went to her house, and I saw these super cute Jeffery Campbell booties lying on the floor. When I tried them on she told me that they were knock offs from Santee Alley and she only got them for $25.

So later in the month I met her at Santee Alley, and got a whole bunch of goodies. I had quite an adventure buying a bunch of cheap but fashionable crap.

I'm not sure if I'm committed to labeling Santee Alley as the "Harajuku" of Los Angeles. I just saw that in the google search and I thought it was a funny comparison. Unlike the Harajuku district in Tokyo, you can walk out of Santee Alley with at least 20 items without filing for bankruptcy.

Here's a link to find more info about Santee Alley.

The four items above is pretty much what I walked out with. Okay everything I purchased was fierce, with the exception of the "MAC" makeup. I got super suckered into buying this because of the colors, even though I opened up the products knowing full well that they didn't smell like MAC products at ALL. *FACE PALM* I bought them anyway for $10 each. So I tried the eye shadows, and to my surprise I didn't get an eye infection. The colors are nice on the palette, but they don't blend well. Not worth the $10 or the space in my makeup bag. SORRY!

Okay so in the picture the boom boom shorts look mad pleathery, but I swear they don't look like that in person. The $5 dollar shirt..... well it's a $5 shirt. LOL

My favorite purchases are the eyelashes and the SHOES! I got JC's for $30 and the SE's for $60. I pay about $6 for my favorite fake lashes at Walgreens, so I sort of made a stock pile of eyelashes when I got to Santee Alley. My shoes have gotten a lot of compliments, except from some man friends who think they kind of look ridiculous.

I really want to hammer kick someone in the Sam Edelman knock offs. I have to be careful putting them on or else I'm going to cut myself LOL.

Bring cash and go with a friend. For the most part, you can negotiate a discount if you go with a friend and buy in bulk. Although I joke with Joi that I need to stay away from her, I really just need to stay away from Santee Alley or else I'm going to go bankrupt forreal.

Happy New Year: Here Comes the Sun. It's Alright.

2012-01-03T13:44:00.000-08:00

Me and E. during Lorna and Omz's wedding

Before the new year I had so many inspirational things I wanted to share with you guys. I wanted to share my new state of positive thinking.

It's still there, but I the holidays kicked my ass. I ran around my mom's house like a chicken with my head cut off, trying to prepare all of these things and I didn't really get a chance to process the experience.

My extended family was in such a positive mood, and I truly enjoyed everyone's company. I haven't felt this connected to them in a long time. I guess that's the true power of the Christmas, I get to see my whole family even if its only for a short period of time.

As much as I tried to keep my heart upbeat, it was hard to not realize that there was a lot of loss this year. 2011 was a year for people to bear their crosses, and find their way out of the darkness. As more people report of people they've lost, I shut the emotions out because I'm still dealing with E.'s death.

For the past three months my gchat status was "e." which I've had since the day he died. I finally changed it today, because I have to make another step in saying goodbye.

For the most part I think that I've accepted E.'s death, but then a song comes on and my car is just a puddle of tears. There are nights when I have dreams where we just hugged and I can smell those African oils he used to wear. God, I even miss fighting with him. It's silly to think about that, but at least when we were fighting it showed that we cared about each other. I wish he was alive to see my transformation, new found maturity, and willingness to forgive.

Positive thinking is like any skill in which you have to do a lot of work to maintain it. You can't do it without help. You have to surround yourself with folks that support your process, and want to walk the same journey with you. There are some deep and important relationships I've had to put on pause for this very reason. Although I think of these people often, my heart tells me that I have to go on this journey without them.

I thank everyone who's contributed to my growth. To chose who have challenged me I forgive you. In return I just ask that you forgive me too. Happy New Year everyone. The best version of yourself is waiting to see you. Give yourself a high five when you get there.

Rihanna - We Found Love ft. Calvin Harris

2012-01-02T10:34:00.000-08:00

Although, I would like to divorce my penchant for really extreme relationships, I can't help but love this video. Damn you Rihanna. I'm starting to like your repetitive anthems about codependent relationships and off the hook fashion.

My Journey in Vanity

2011-12-29T12:17:00.000-08:00

My Christmas Look

I will be first to admit that Los Angeles has made me super vain. I tried my best to resist, but I miserably failed. I'm not even going to explain myself. It is what it is. I pat myself on the back for not buying as much clothes this year, but omg, I bought so much makeup I feel like a freaking Kardashian. Well I can also blame my penchant for youtube beauty blogs and Rupaul's Drag Race.

Not that I aim to look like a drag queen in my every day look, but it changed some perspective. I look back on the years where I looked like shit, and I tremble. It was not a reflection of my best self, because I was a wreck. There's this god awful picture at my grandma's house from when I had boy short hair and no makeup. My brother jokes that he didn't know he had a brother -_-

So guess what? I got tips! Here's my two cents.

1. Ritualize Getting Ready: Remember the opening scene to To Wong Foo Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar? It's actually my favorite part of the movie :) When I shut the door and get ready in my bathroom, it's my selfish bitch time. I will take as long as I need to. I got my "Pretty Girl Rock" playlist on, and I do what I need to do!

2. Get that Good Shit: The holy trinity of awesome is MAC, NARS, and sometimes Urban Decay. Primer, bronzer, MAC brushes, and HD cream blush have been my favorite purchases this year. Although all these steps has extended my getting ready time, I've gotten better at putting on makeup. The purchases were a good investment in my vanity :)

3. Night With the Girls/Gays = Pictures: So shellac the shit out of that grill of yours! All I'm gonna say is, you don't want to be plain face in a group picture. Yes, this includes the gays.

4. Magazines In The Bathroom: I have a Mt. Everest worthy stack of magazines in my bathroom. So now you've learned that I'm a "reader" in the bathroom. However, I take this time seriously. I've learned some of my best beauty techniques during this time. There is a lot of irony in that.

5. False Eyelashes: Are the bomb! Learn how to use them. They make pictures look better, and my smokey eye look is never complete without them.

6. You're Still Smart. You Just Have A Cuter Outfit: I often dream that Stacy and Clinton from What Not to Wear will ask my brother and I to take over their show. If there is a talent that my brother and I share it's talking shit in a really loving way. Of course, I doubt we are qualified to take over the show. Anyhoo, I'm digressing. I used to have this perception that I had to reflect my beliefs through my appearance. If you went to a college with a lot of activist influence, then you'll know what I'm talking about. "I'm just down to earth," great, well you're face is also shiny in pictures.

It is very possible to have both a low maintenance personality and a hot look. If people judge you, that's their problem. As long as your beliefs remain in your heart, who gives a shit on how much money and time you spend on yourself. If I don't see you kick a baby or push an old lady, then go ahead and buy those shoes.

Winter Updates

2011-12-29T11:25:00.000-08:00

Awesome Turban Headband

It's been a minute since I last blogged. Well good news first, I did well on the GRE :)

The improvement was phenomenal, and it attributed to better preparation and a good state of mind. I didn't study on the day of the test, or even the day before. I got some of that good sleep, and on the day of the test I actually took the breaks and ate my snacks.

Let me just say, the improvement was phenomenal. I wish I had learned these skills in high school, but there are a lot of things that I learned from taking this test that will help me for the rest of my life.

Before, my emotions and expectations weighed so heavy on this test. Talking about grad school has been like talking about that great American novel that I have yet to right. People expect that I'll do it because I said I would, but in my heart there were a lot of doubts in my ability. I honestly thought the process would be easy, so I hastily applied to programs that I wasn't sure I would be happy in.

I've made it back to LA, and I gotta finish the rest of of these applications. Christmas was just a mini vacay, and I'm now I'm back on the grind. I'm applying to a lot of schools this time around, and hoping for the best. It's the recession, and I know that a lot of people are also applying for grad school as well, so it's even more competitive than it was before.

Fuck These Pain in the Ass Cake pops

Emotionally, I'm prepared if I don't get into anything. I could sit here and be scared and discouraged, or try my damnedest and move on. There's no use in being stuck in what you couldn't have at the time that you wanted it.

Christmas was hella crazy! I got into the bay on the 21st and decided as soon as I landed that I was going to make cake pops for my family. I think from the 22nd-24th I made like a thousand of those stupid ass cake pops. I did a cookie dough and red velvet cake pop.

The cookie dough cake pop (link to recipe) was kind of the bomb, the red velvet not so much. The red velvet cake kept breaking off. UGH! Because the cookie dough cake pops were the prettiest, I gave those as gifts. I left the red velvet on the dessert table, and no one touched them :( They were not as big of a hit as I hoped, but now I know how to make them, and will do better next time.

Aside from my cake pop melt down, I had a great time seeing family and friends. I know I was super stressed before, but everything went well. It was great to see all of my nieces and nephews, and I tried to make it a point to talk to as many of them as possible. I remember holding most of them as babies, and now they are driving! My family is getting larger by the second as I am getting older.

Every Christmas could be just as good as this one. It will take some serenity prayers and preparation, which I learned the hard way. Anyhoo, HO HO HO y'all.

Current Obsesssions

2011-12-16T10:53:00.001-08:00

1. Air Jordan Retro 3 Cements

2. Leather Leggings

3. Motorcycle Jackets

4. Sheer Blouses

5. Statement Necklaces

Btw I'm trying out Polyvore :) I've always wanted to make a collage like this.

Don't Give Up. Work Harder.

2011-12-16T09:31:00.000-08:00

A shitty hand dealt to me during Pasoy Dos, but I still played.

I'm the taking the GRE today for the third time. The past two times have been god awful, and I spent a good hour after each test crying in my car. Last time I cried so hard, I crouched in my driver's seat so that none of the arriving test takers could hear me. I didn't want to ruin their moral!

Well, who knows whether or not the car is going to stay dry this time, but today is different from the other tests. My emotions are attached to this test still, but for a different reason. It doesn't matter if I get into an M.F.A program this year. As much as I really want it, I'm not going to be defeated if I don't get accepted into anything.

Aside for maybe a week or two of mourning, I know that the world doesn't stop or end with this outcome. The cards will fall where they fall. I will go back to the drawing board and figure out another way. If there is anything about the time that I've spent away from home, it's that I realized my goals. Not only did I realize my goals, but I figured out what my process is supposed to be.

All my life I've wanted to be a Tiger mom's wet dream. I wanted to wave my scholastic achievements to my naysayers and haters. My idea of achievement was very limited, and it was meant to please other people, and not myself.

Well fuck everyone. Seriously. Fuck everyone. As my mom would say, "It's just a fucking test Christina."

I think I've mentioned before that I hated the book, The Alchemist. I was so pissed at the ending, because it was such a let down. As I think of protagonist's journey through all that endless desert, I was annoyed that he had wasted all of that time. He didn't get what he initially wanted, but it was about he journey, blah blah blah! That was five years ago when I read that book, and I finally understand what the story is about.

Our egos are so damaged when certain plans are not crystallized. Some people don't even try, because they are afraid to fail. I didn't realize that was I was so anxiety ridden when I was younger. Everything was black and white for me. It was either achieve or fail, and nothing in between was acceptable.

I don't know I've just taken a beating through the years, but I've surrendered. Working hard is working hard, no matter what program, what job, what city, or which ever environment I decide to be in.

I am the Alchemist, bitch.

Wherever the cards fall, none of it was a waste of time. After my test today. I'm going to continue to work hard, ask for help, and reassess if I need to. It's just a test. I'm just a human. I'll be fine.

Playlist as of Now: Mostly Hipster Humdrum

2011-12-12T14:55:00.000-08:00

Okay warning: Video is totally scary and creepy. Just close your eyes

Oldie but goodie. Bindlestiff's Rockstars: Golda and the Gunz.
Catch Me if You Can by cying689

Poshmark

2011-12-11T11:00:00.000-08:00

I just joined Poshmark, which was an idea I got from Yoshi. It's an iphone app that helps you sell clothes to a community, with a instagram-like experience. I've been super addicted to instagram, and when I saw there was an app that sells clothes with the same feel, I thought I'd give it a try. However, like instagram, it's only an app for your phone so there isn't an actual website.

If you are Poshmark my user name is @boothebootch. Most of my clothes are a size 4; Small/Med; Shoes: 5 1/2 or 6. This is what I'm selling right now:

Just a side note: Modeling the clothes was a funny experience in itself. I'm shitty at taking my own pictures through my iphone. This a huge reason why I'm not a fashion blogger.

So I used photobooth on my mac instead. I waited till my roommate left the house, so that I could use the kitchen as my "studio." As I propped my computer on my kitchen table, I sucked in my gut like all hell, so I could give fierce body like a drag queen after a buffet.

If anyone has questions about the clothes. Just give me a holler in the comments.

Stress-Mas

2011-12-11T10:26:00.000-08:00

A therapist once told me that the most crucial time for their practice was around the holidays. Their main focus was to prepare their patients for their crazy families, and the anxiety that occurs in encountering this stressful time. Apparently, I'm not the only one that wants to hide under the covers for Christmas.

Maybe I should find a last minute service trip to Africa or South America just in time for Christmas. There has to be more meaning to this day, and every year I'm stressed out with providing. I have certain family members that are obsessed with the have and have nots, and I could really give a shit.

There's been a lot of dead memories resurfacing. This time it's a healthy. I have to let these ghosts walk around and check out the new space. My head and my heart is not as fragile as it once was. Ugh, but the holidays exacerbate them. My goal is to keep it fun. Holidays are meant to be fun.

When I'm triggered with painful things to deal with, I'm Joel from Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind, but in my actual relationships I'm actually Kate.

I wish I could say I was a victim like Joel, and that my only regret was that I left. It's always more complicated than that, which is why we try to forget that it happened.

Goal for 30: Believing in Love Again

2011-12-05T12:44:00.000-08:00

Solid

2011-11-08T10:47:00.000-08:00

"Forgiveness is giving up hope that the past could have been any different"- Oprah

It's no secret that I'm a fan of Oprah. It's more of a love hate relationship, because she inspires and annoys me at the same time. When she first said this to two girls who were raped their whole life by their brothers and father, I was appalled because this didn't seem like the right thing to say.

But then she said, "It doesn't condone what they've done. It allows you to move on and let the past be the past."

I can't imagine that these words alone will help these two women, but it puts a perspective on how we operate our minds when we think we have nothing else to look forward to.

So there you go. The past is the past. It couldn't have been any different.

One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do.

2011-11-07T13:55:00.000-08:00

Two can be as bad as one. It's the loneliest number since the number one.

I've been contemplating on my solo-ness. It's bring a lot of growth in ways that you never expect. I feel more secure with myself more than I ever did.

Thanks Kiwi for the reminder on "how to love."

Condoleeza Rice on The Daily Show With John Stewart

2011-11-05T11:24:00.000-07:00

I used to super hate this bootch.

She is part of the sorriest most remorseful administration, but I love this interview. As a woman, I respect her ability to not be intimidated by powerful men. She answers questions without a single ounce of fluster. I only wish I could be that Jedi.

Her interview with John Stewart was very balanced and thoughtful. It did not leave me rolling my eyes, which is very rare these days. The part about Gaddafi though, is pretty damn funny. "Black Flower in The White House."

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Exclusive - Condoleezza Rice Extended Interview Pt. 1

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor & Satire Blog

The Daily Show on Facebook

It's Called a Funeral

2011-11-04T11:33:00.000-07:00

<p>&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;a href="http://joill.bandcamp.com/track/es-message"&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;E's Message by Eric Ivan Fructuoso&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/a&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;</p>

E's mentee/little brother/collaborating artist Jo Ill shared E's voice message that he left on his phone. He put a beat to it... and there you go... E's a star :)

Various the Awesome Pup Pup

2011-11-04T11:11:00.000-07:00

Various was an awesome dog, and I loved to call him PUP PUP! He was the faithful companion of my two good friends Ann and Anthem.

It was always a pleasure to see his sweet face at the door trying to see who was on the other side. It was just Auntie Christina about to give him a big bear hug, cuz I love him so much!

During the weekend that I had to go E.'s funeral I stayed with Ann and Ant and got to spend the WHOLE day with Various!

I would do my work and then play with Various. Do some more work and then play with Various. Give him some doggie treats, and guess what.... PLAY WITH VARIOUS!

I took a couple of pictures with him that day, and I'm glad that I did.

Unfortunately right after E.'s funeral I got some really sad news about the Pup Pup. When I heard that he didn't have very long to live, it broke my heart. Everyone knows that I don't really kick it dogs, but I hella loved Various. He was so gentle and kind, it's actually changed my mind about Pitbulls. I might have one of my own some day :)

Various is now with the Lord. I hope that he is rolling in dog treats and doing all of the naughty things that he couldn't do on earth. Awww I miss you pup pup :( Chew on God's shoes for me.

Anthem wrote a beautiful tribute to his Ace of 13 years. Please keep my friends in your thoughts.

My Theme Song

2011-11-04T10:42:00.000-07:00

My two good friends Anthem and Ann made a theme song for my blog. It's pretty hilarious, but I couldn't figure out how to get audio on my blog until Soundcloud.

Peep the themesong. LOL

Boo the bootch by cying689

The Occupy Movement: Where it is In History, and Where the Iraq War is Not.

2011-10-27T21:40:00.001-07:00

Photo by wheelzwheeler: Occupy London

As the Iraq war comes to a close, I begin to wonder whether or not the young people of my generation made as much of a fuss as they should have.

Sure, there were big city protests all around the nation, but when I look on the anti-war movement of the 1960's, our protests of the Iraq war did not capture the same steam. In fact, it was pretty lackluster. And clearly not effective, considering that it was the longest war in our nation's history.

Well protesting the Iraq war was an early 2000's trend and the current Occupy movement is what deserves our attention. Started by the Canadian activist group Adbusters, the demonstrations started on Wall Street to protest the social and financial inequality in the U.S. The Occupy movement was overwhelmingly peaceful, as thousands of protesters have set up camp in front of major corporations, but it has been a nuisance to every resident in every financial district in America. As it continues to grow in every major city in the U.S., and it's thousands of occupants have been called "Dirty Hippies." Now where have we heard that term before?

A decade after the war in Iraq the Occupy movement ensues. The same "Dirty Hippies" of the Occupy movement, reflect the same disdain that yuppies felt about the "Dirty Hippies" of the anti-war movement of the 60's. What the hell? We just had a war and no one cared about the "Dirty Hippies" at those rallies. The Occupy movement shows that hippies are en vogue again, delivering the same disdain as they did fifty years ago.

According to Congressman Peter King, the echoes of the 1960's movement is a little to close for comfort.

"We have to be careful not to allow this to get any legitimacy,' King warned. 'I'm taking this seriously in that I'm old enough to remember what happened in the 1960's when the left-wing took to the streets and somehow the media glorified them and it ended up shaping policy. We can't allow that to happen."

The Occupy movement might be better compared with the French Revolution. During the time when France was facing horrible economic troubles, the people rose up against rich and their rulers, and chopped off their heads. Although I don't get the sense that U.S. President Obama faces the risk of heading towards a guillotine. In fact, his supporters are being patient and waiting for the poor man to fulfill his true potential, as he runs himself ragged to find a solution to America's financial hopelessness. Unlike George W. Bush, Obama is not unapologetically aligned with big name oil companies or shady lobbyists, so he's been spared from the evil 1%.

The Occupy movements in Los Angeles and New York make perfect sense to me. They represent the the financial powerhouses for each coast, and are an obvious target for this movement, but the Bay Area is the mecca for protesters. With that said, they have appallingly received the most violent response from law enforcement. When the police of Oakland, CA decided to shoot tear gas at the demonstrators, the incident was a familiar echo of the Chinese Democracy Movement and the Tiananmen Square protests of 1989.

How is it that tyranny can exist in the "Yes we can" era of today? Ah, remember the word Tyranny? It was used during the American Revolution. See, hipsters may not work, but at least we read.

Perhaps the Iraq war didn't receive as much "Left Wing" influence as the protests of the 1960's. The Bush Administration was overly prepared for that. As our current President stands in the line of fire for not completely fixing our financial crisis, the Occupy movement grows, inadvertently helping the President combat the same Republican adversaries.

As the last of the Iraq War troops return home, I can't help but wonder if their voices got lost. Ten years came and went, with tons of young people and civilians dead. Could we have protested more in getting them home sooner? As a new movement grows, I sit and wonder whether or not America slept through the movement that should have mattered most.

Reinventing Feminism: OWN's Miss Representation

2011-10-24T14:58:00.000-07:00

I absolutely loved this documentary. Miss Representation was featured on the OWN network this past weekend, and I was sincerely moved and inspired.

When I was interviewed for The Pioneer Online one of the questions that was asked was "Why do you feel like PMSTA's work is important?"

My answer was, because if you look at the media, the message that is out there is that women are to be marketed for sex only.

Miss Representation gives a very well researched answer of why that is. The choices of the modern day woman is being shaped by media and television, and unfortunately young girls are falling victim to more exploitation that the generation before.

It's still widely believed that there is no longer a glass ceiling for women. This is a horrible misperception, and it makes me depressed that we have a long way to go.

Before the men decide to clutch their balls, I encourage them to watch this. We are a world that is expanding and not shrinking, and a woman's safety and healthy continues to be compromised. Women in leadership have not been embraced. This makes me very sad.

Newest Miss Representation Trailer (2011 Sundance Film Festival Official Selection) from Miss Representation on Vimeo.

Enjoying the Success

2011-10-24T13:15:00.000-07:00

Aureen Almario in "The Word of Oprah"

There couldn't have been a harder time for us to open this show. For the first time in my life I had to write a tribute for a friend that passed, and include it into our program.

The title "Death of a Player" brought a lot of irony, but E. wouldn't mind :) I think he liked the title.

The show is getting a lot of positive reviews. Our artistic peers and new folks coming to the theater for the first time, have given us outstanding feedback on the writing and acting. I couldn't be any happier.

When other writers come up to me telling me they loved my piece, it's a strange feeling. Most of my fellow artists at Bindlestiff know me as a dancer, and now some want to collaborate on future writing projects. WOW!

It's flattering yet humbling... I'm still chasing a dream, but at least with this production I'm having a taste of it. I've established myself as a writer. As I approach 30, my identity is finally coming full circle. I'm grateful.

Below is the list of people that have reviewed and promoted our show. Thank you... all of you.

SF GATE: Home of the San Francisco Chronicle

PMSTA on APEX Express 94.1

The Daily Californian

The Reluctant Reviewer: Live SOMA

The Pioneer Online: CSUEB

Hyphen Magazine Thanks Theresa :D

Plastic Alto with Mark Weiss

Flip Fob!

The Adventures of Yoshi

It's Finally Opening Tonight: Thank the F*cking Lord

2011-10-13T12:42:00.001-07:00

Colors.

2011-10-13T12:21:00.000-07:00

When someone suddenly dies... everything is just a different color.

The colors that you loved and hated... are obsolete, and I'm running trying to find new colors to love.

I want them all to be his favorite colors. They are the only colors that matter.

I only want to listen to his favorite music. I only want to see people wearing his clothes.

From black hoodies to black shorts, from SF giants hats to big tummies....

I want to be a part of anything that brings him back to this earth. But, I am too grown to be chasing a ghost.

So I wake up and go to sleep. Sleep and then wake up. Everything will make sense again, and I will have a new color to love.

E. Don't Go.

2011-09-30T10:02:00.000-07:00

"Own your feelings. No matter what they are."

I remember E. said this to me when I was going through a hard time. Right now I'm playing those words over and over again, in that scratchy blunt loving voice, with a tone that is part Tagalog and part Natoma hood.

He was as enigmatic as the artists he admired, Prince, Tom Yorke, and Johnny Cash. Yet he was the "hug able thug." That dude that you wanted as your ally and your friend. You felt golden in his good graces. Although E. was headstrong about a lot of things, he was a true "Frisco" kid who loved existential conversations and new ideas.

He gave the best hugs. A hug from E. was like being hugged by a thugged out Yogi Bear. It sounds awesome right? It was clenched to the point of suffocating, but so warm and sincere, you just didn't care. If you ever got a hug from E., count yourself blessed.

His work with San Francisco's youth was his true calling. Whenever I had a bad day working at my continuation school, it was always a blessing to see E. because he truly understood both my love and frustration. I know E. had wanted kids of his own. In the meantime, he gave so much love to so many youth who were in the midst of their own pain.

He and I met at Bindlestiff Studio. I remember the night we exchanged numbers. This horrible dork was trying to hooride on my number so I verbally gave E. the wrong one. E. knew exactly what I was doing, and like all other cool dudes you don't really need to explain your game to them. We were instant friends.

I would pick him him up in the Excelsior in my barely breathing Acura Integra, driving us to lunch in the Sunset district, going to Stonestown mall, and picking up Vanilla Lattes from the uppity side of Filmore. We chattered for hours like two damn kids, smoking packs of cigarettes, exchanging music, and looking forward to the next time we were gonna kick it. I truly enjoyed his love for me. I felt like the coolest kid in school was my best friend.

For years I've tried to figure out the nature of our bond. Perhaps it was because I was young and misanthropic, and E. was misanthropic and young at heart. He never filtered his thoughts no matter how appalling they were. But I can be an evil bitch, and most time his musings were so fucking hilarious, I just enjoyed the endless hours of laughing with him.

At 7:30 on Wednesday morning I woke up with sickness in my stomach. As I started to feel the symptoms of food poisoning, I received a text message from a number I didn't recognize. It said that "E. had passed away." I don't respond kindly to jokes like that, so I called the number and it was one of his closest friends. The news was true.

I woke up my roommate (Who was superbly close to E. as well) and I barely got the words out of my mouth that our friend was dead.

Years ago E. and I had a falling out that I never thought we would recover from. Our fight was so paralyzing, that I was certain that we were as good as dead to each other. I call these years the dark years, because we spent almost two years not saying a word to each other, and pretending that the other was invisible.

The dark years were renamed the growing years, the day that E. reached out to me in Facebook so that we could make up. I never told anyone this, but I cried like a baby. Although I had spent those years acting like prideful bitch that didn't care, my heart was relieved to have my friend again

And now he's gone.

I keep asking myself if I regret not having our relationship back to the way it was. After we made up I was guarded and reluctant to have him by my side again. I knew he wanted to talk about our fight, but I avoided every opportunity to bring it up. I just couldn't go back to that place, because it was too painful.

Now I wish we could have that conversation a thousand times. He could have beaten it to death if he wanted to. I would rather talk about that fight over and over again, instead of living the rest of my life wondering why I never took the opportunity to listen to his side of the story.

What was I scared to hear about myself? What could he have possibly said that would have opened that wound again? I didn't give E. the opportunity to look at our relationship in an honest way, but I figured E. had a thousand friends and that we were meant to grow apart.

Side note: This fool literally has a THOUSAND friends. Just look his Facebook page with all of the people that now have his image as their profile picture.

Oh my friend. I'm going to miss you. I love you so much. I clench my heart at the thought of going to the theater without seeing you there. I never thought I would have to write a blog post like this. You've followed my writing for years, and were so fucking supportive.

Your last words to me were to follow my dreams and I promise I will. I almost don't want to end this post, because it means that I have to say good bye for real. Let me try. Thank you for saving our friendship Eric. I'll see you on the other side when it's my time.

Good bye. E. I fookin love you dood.

September 12
Christina Ying
trying to transition to being a writer full time
so im taking classes out here

September 12

E. Ivan Fructuoso

niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice
follow that dream!
fuckballs! gotta run. the middleschool terrors are here! hahahahahah. love you! we'll catch up!

September 12

Christina Ying

aalright take caredoode
dood
see u soon

"Handstand" - Nicki Minaj...Kumari Suraj's introduction of her "Franki...

2011-09-19T15:19:00.000-07:00

I took Kumari Suraj's class last night. This chick is so dope. I would drink her bath water and swim in her hammer pants. I need a little more practice in waacking, but I'm kind of hooked. I can't stop practicing in my bathroom.

Can't Keep Running Away

2011-09-07T16:35:00.000-07:00

There's nothing like the Pharcyde to help put things into perspective.

PMSTA's "Death of a Player"

2011-09-02T18:22:00.000-07:00

Death of A Player Press Release

After a 3 year break and with a few new cast mates, Filipina American Women’s theater group, PMSTA (Pinays Maintaining Sisterhood Through Art) is coming back in full force with a new show, DEATH OF A PLAYER. Written by Aureen Almario, Andrea Almario, Shannon Pacaoan, Ava Tong, and Christina Ying, DEATH OF A PLAYER pushes the idea that in living life to the fullest, one must die to fully live. Initially conceived as a show that lamented loss of youth and innocence, it has since then evolved into a thoughtful, provocative look into the phases of womanhood, decisions made at each intersection, and living and dying with chosen life paths. With a live band incorporating indie, hip-hop, show tunes, and everything in between, the show is sure to provoke with the absurd truths of larger than life theater. Stories include a mail-order-bride game show that shouldn’t be so funny, but is; a murder mystery of a cheating lover, where there is no mystery as to who done it; a look at dying early – or wishing one could to hear heartfelt eulogies of one’s greatness; the undoing of a family when someone discovers a hole and an electronic eye in the bathroom; a woman’s search in finding herself, but is sidetracked by an old lover that returns; and finally three different women are trapped in a apocalyptic zombie era, to find out that one holds a deep secret; how will they survive and will they survive? Directed by A. Fajilan; writing facilitation by Gayle Romasanta; and produced by Maggie Suarez-Calixton. This production is not to be missed! DEATH OF A PLAYER will be presented in October 2011 at the newly reconstructed Bindlestiff Studio, 185 Sixth Street in the South of Market Area, SF.

WHEN: October 13-16, 20-22 and 27-29 Thursdays through Saturdays, 800PM Matinees (October 15-16, 22, and 29), 200PM

WHERE: Bindlestiff Studio 185 Sixth Street, San Francisco, CA 94103

ABOUT PMSTA Pinays Maintaining Sisterhood Through Art (PMSTA), was founded in November 2007 by a group of former cast mates from the Women’s Show called, The Fountain of Youth is a 16 oz Jar of Vaseline, directed by Gayle Romasanta. With much inspiration, the cast mates, Andrea Almario, Aureen Almario, Ann Borja, Kat Evasco, Nicole Maxali, Jamie Nallas, Gayle Romasanta, Tonilyn Sideco, Maggie Suarez-Calixton, and Ava Tong, decided to open new doors for other women who can voice out their struggles and accomplishments. Pinays Maintaining Sisterhood Through Art (PMSTA) strives to foster and develop strong, creative expressions and increased visibility of Filipino American women through theater, performance, literature, visual art, and music. WEBSITE: http://pmsta.wordpress.com/

ABOUT BINDLESTIFF STUDIO Established in 1989, Bindlestiff Studio is the only permanent, community-based performing arts venue in the nation dedicated to showcasing emerging Filipino American and Pilipino artists. Bindlestiff Studio provides the often under-served Filipino American community access to diverse offerings in theatrical productions, music and film festivals, workshops in directing, production, acting, stand-up comedy, and writing, as well as a children and youth theater program. More info and tickets at http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/194248

Contact Us
pmsthruart@gmail.com
facebook us!

PMSTA Artists
Andrea Almario
Aureen Almario
Ann Borja
Shannon Pacaoan
Gayle Romasanta
Tonilyn Sideco
Maggie Suarez-Calixton
Ava Tong
Christina Ying
Banner and Facebook Image by
Eunice Nuval
Website created by
Shannon Lee L. Pacaoan

My First Theater Review

2011-09-02T17:15:00.000-07:00

Last month I was in the bay area to watch my piece performed at Cal State East Bay called Secrets EXposed.

It was the first time that I've seen anything I've written performed on stage. I took a huge chance writing a murderous tale. It felt crazy writing it, but seeing it on stage was like experiencing brief schizophrenia.

For a second I thought to invite my mom to come with me to show, but once I told her what the piece was about she was already squeamish.

Just as she was giving me a side eye, she asked me, "What the hell is going through my daughter's head?"

Never mind. I'll go by myself. LOL

I wrote the piece for the upcoming Bindlestiff Production "Death of a Player", and I was more than flattered when director Ann Fajilan asked if she could use my piece for her college production at CSUEB.

The actress, Teresita Brown, who played the main character in my piece did exceptionally well. I was blown away when I found out it was her first time on stage, and she's going to be part of the PMSTA show in October and I couldn't be happier to have her with us!

To read the review click here. Or just read MY part :D

"One of the most surprising and delightful performances was Teresita Brown’s performance of “The Word of Oprah,” written by Christina Ying.

The piece explored madness and crime, as well as a fanatical obsession with a woman so many people revere and look to for guidance in their daily lives.

Brown gave an outstanding performance as she perfectly embodied a maniac with an intense enactment that kept the viewer hanging on her every word.

It is not easy to play a fanatical person without looking over-the-top or tacky, but Brown was thoroughly convincing and Ying’s strong story telling provided her with a variety of qualities and components to the story."

Wow... Speechless.

I'm also eternally grateful for Ann Fajilan for getting my work out there. Her students put on a great show. When I met them afterwards some of the cast gasped as she introduced me as the writer for "The Word of Oprah." It must be because I look so sweet, and you would never suspect that I would write a story about a murdering psycho ;)

Here are some more shots from the show.

The Cast for "The Word of Oprah" (I'm glad they didn't run away from me)

Me and the awesome Teresita Brown
The dead body in my piece

Yep. There's a dead body. If wanna see why check out our show, "Death of a Player"

WHERE: Bindlestiff Studio 185 Sixth Street, San Francisco, CA 94103

WHEN: October 13-16, 20-22 and 27-29 Thursdays through Saturdays, 800PM Matinees (October 15-16, 22, and 29), 200PM

NYC 08-2011

2011-08-23T08:56:00.000-07:00

I love going to New York to recharge. I have really dope friends who are willing to host me, even if it means sharing a bed with them for a week. My twin from another coast Michelle did just that. Before I left my goal was to walk around New York and be cute, eat a lot, dance like fairy, be drunk like pirate, and do some hipster shit.

Well... all of those things were accomplished except for being cute. We ate and drank so much that I went to NYC with one chin and came back with like five. Which is why there are barely and pictures of me! I took pictures of only the food and below is everything I ate in NYC. Enjoy!

My favorite NYC Italian place Celeste is Michelle's pride and joy. You can find her enthusiastic review on the yelp page.

Linguine Vongole: Celeste

Penne with tomato sauce and mozzerella: Celeste

Tiramisu: Celeste
I had a ravenous craving for an NYC slice and I didn't care where. I apologize I can't remember the name.

Random Pizza Place by Radio City Music Hall

It was a Filipino Fat ass night. We went to a BBQ buffet that scrumptious enough to get the most committed of dieters to leave weight watchers. I'm lucky that none of my friends are on a diet!

Brisket, BBQ Chicken, Corn Bread, Macaroni and Cheese, Green beans: Hill Country BBQ

The owner chatted up with me and Chelle the day before. We stopped by for some wine and key lime pie!

Key Lime Pie: Brooklyn Public House
There was a post on Vashtie that got me super obsessed with trying Trini food. I couldn't freaking find it, but Chelle found Sugar Cane. Although it was pretty pricey, I suppose it was a good introduction to Trini food for this Asian girl from the bay.

West Indian Honey drizzled Fried Chicken with plantains and red rice: Sugar Cane

Chicken Roti: Sugar Cane
Fiore is Celeste's more expensive cousin. If you are in the Brooklyn area this is a great place to eat.
Vongole and Penne Carbonara: Fiore (Boobs not included)

Burrata Salad: Fiore
Eataly is a super duper Italian market place that is the brain child of Mario Batali, Lidia Bastianich, and her son Joe Bastianich. Inside is a my fantasy wet dream of cured meats, cheeses, and pastas that will surely fill my tomb when I meet the inevitable. Surrounded by posh dresses and suited stockbrokers, I felt a little out of my element until I started to eat. If you are in Soho and do not have the time to make it to Little Italy. This is definitely a good stop.

Cheese and Antipasto: Eataly

Lasagna and Cacio y Pepe Pasta: Eataly

Me in the midst of a wet dream

Smorgasburg Food Market in Brooklyn: This day was awesome. It was super pricey, but I felt that all of the food that we ate was great quality. It's a foodie's fantasy to be around so much yumness. Warning if you hate Hipsters, yeah, just look at the food. Keep your eyes on the food.

Noodles with peanut sauce, Lobster roll, and Chorizo sandwich: Smorgisburg food market

I am not a sports girl. I know like the minimal... if that. I had a tomboy phase where I wanted to play in little league so I know SOME of how baseball is supposed to work. My high school friend Mikey had an extra ticket and the day off, so I decided to visit the new Yankee Stadium.

I am a Giants fan, and it hurts me to say this, but the Yankees are a fucking magnificent team. I witnessed my first live grand slam. It was awesome. The fans are super loyal and fun to be around. Mikey had a bunch of useful bla bla bla about the Yankees being the oldest team, the most expensive team, and yadda yadda.... omg I just ate the best freaking philly cheese steak sandwich of my life....

Carl's Steaks Yankee Stadium: Philly Cheese Steak with onions and White Wiz

Photo from the web (cuz I ate all of it before I thought of taking a picture)

The Yankees played a great game that day. Ironically they were playing the LA Angels. I'm not sure if this was a sign of my future plans, but all I could think about was that damn Philly Cheesesteak sandwich! I loved it so much I took a picture at the stand. I have a feeling these dudes are used to random Asian chicks wanting to take pics, so they hammed it up for the shot. LOL.

I think it's safe to say David Chang is responsible for the pork bun fad. I've eaten at two of his restaurants Milk Bar and Momofuku Noodle Bar. David Chang's creations have popped up in all sorts of magazines and the young chef has even made an appearance on Anthony Bordain's No Reservations. His pastries and noodle dishes are scrumptious and familiar enough for the Asian palate. His legacy is in the buns. Pork buns that is. They will make you quiver.
You know I was dreaming about some Shake Shack. I had it last year and I couldn't stop thinking about their burger. I had it this time around and I didn't feel the amaze balls. It could be I had a week of eating and fatness and I just didn't care anymore. I would rate Shake Shack as the NYC equivalent to In and Out. Yeah..... eat here when you haven't eaten for like three days.

I saw my brother and his best friend while I was in NYC and I was about to jump both of them to get their take out dumplings. It was stuck in my head so I begged Mikey to take me to Chinatown. He had Vanessa's Dumplings on his Yelp Bookmarks and geez oh my... it was great! Mikey and I spent ten dollars for 16 dumplings, 1 sandwich, and two cokes. Fatness I tell you! Fatness on a budget is the way to go.

Sesame Pancake Sandwich with Pork Belly: Vanessa's Dumplings
Shrimp Dumplings: Vanessa's Dumplings
Pork and Chive Dumplings drowning in Siracha and Sexy dumpling sauce: Vanessa's dumplings
I've been following Chef Eddie Huang's blog Fresh Off the Boat and was excited to try his restaurant Bao Haus. He was featured in the Paper Tigers story that I mentioned earlier this year, and you know, I just dig it when Asian Americans challenge this whole ching chong ling long ting tong business. His Baos were omg... hella good. Don't be fooled they will fill you up.

And I hella forget everything we ordered.Whatever had fried chicken and pork belly will do you just fine: Bao Haus

Playing Ketchup

2011-07-25T14:39:00.000-07:00

I've spent the past two days catching up on my writing for The Undeniables. If it weren't for my helpful guide "The Writers Block book" I'm not sure if this would have been possible. Fortunately, it's therapeutic to write fiction and rewrite reality to fiction ;)

My brain feels really spent. I'm going do some editing later. It just feels good to be creating stuff again.

Of course like the rest of the world. I'm consumed with the foreseen death of Amy Winehouse. Her second album Back to Black was the only pop album that I bought in 2006, and at the time I hadn't felt that awakened since The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. Of course the rest of the world embraced her musical genius, and like I, was unable to fathom why this beautiful girl would squander all of her success on drugs.

It's not that simple. I've avoided reading anything about her in recent years. It was just so sad to see pictures of bloodied fights with her husband and those damn ballet slippers. I remember running into a picture of her walking around the streets on London with nothing but a bra and jeans in tears.

The whole world is speculating on these reasons, and dissecting every possible angle. I can't help, but listen to her albums and get the chills.

AH MAH GAWD!

2011-07-25T13:45:00.000-07:00

My friend Alexis.... very talented and very beautiful. Dang girl we should be dating! LOL Jk she's married and has an adorable daughter.

We come from the same artist community, and over the years I've been a fan of all of her plays and just overall pleasant disposition. She's always remains positive and insightful in the most difficult situations. Did I mention she's also funny as fuck?

I follow the MISS Crew blog and when they did a call out for beauty bloggers/contributors. I knew that Alexis would be perfect for the job, so I forwarded her the call out. Yes, everyone... I'm giving myself CREDIT! Damn I should be a talent scout. Teehee.

I always look forward to her meticulous yet accessible beauty posts. She has an enviable medicine cabinet and that I just want to rob. She shares my love for NARS cosmetics and gay men. What a beautiful combo!

Of course it comes of no surprise that Miss Crew snatched her up! She is now a contributing beauty blogger. Check out Alexis' first post for them. If you see Alexis on the street give her a high five. Love you girl!

Grieving Really Extreme

2011-07-23T14:14:00.000-07:00

It's been a shiteous week. This past Wednesday I took the GRE and I straight FUBAR'ed that shit. If I took the test with my eyes closed, I probably would have gotten the same score. Remember that feeling you had as a kid whenever you got lost in a store?

You're choked up and confused, with no idea where you are supposed to be. There I was, in an air conditioned room, with a frozen face, and forgetting every single thing I studied for the past four and a half months.

My stomach was grumbling and my head was spinning. I had ten very difficult math questions left with only five minutes on the clock. I guessed the shit out of a section that I probably could have passed if I had more time.

I completed my test, my score was calculated, and I exited my station. The test site receptionist politely asked, "How did you do Christina?"

"Not so well," I replied.

"Oh." Silence.

I walked to my car and cried like someone had shot my puppy and ate it in front of me. A black civic parks next to me and I hear a girl frantically state, " I just want to get this over with!" I put on my shades I cried in a fetal position, because I didn't want my sobbing to ruin her moral.

To say that I'm taking this really hard, is very, super true. I've spent the rest of the week and weekend in my living room, with the shades closed watching Breaking Bad. I've been snappy, irritable, and fragile. My room mate has been delicate in approaching me, and I don't blame him.

I don't know why this is such a hard hit. Well actually, I do know. This time last year I was in a really bad place, which subsequently resulted in my big move to Los Angeles. In the past year I've thrown myself into a fury of self-improvement that would make Tony Robbins proud of me.

As my mom would say, "It's just a fucking test Christina." After I started laughing, she did mention that it was admirable that it was so important to me.

Yes, I know. For some reason it was really important to me. However, as I've learned if something is really important to you, than it takes even more patience and drive to achieve it. I'm taking a month off to give my brain a rest. In three months I'm going to take the test again.

Patience is a beautiful virtue that I wasn't born with, hence why I have to learn it the hard way. Any dream takes an investment. Dreaming about it is the easy part. Working for it is going to take some pain. Oh lord oh mighty let the pain come.

Shabazz Palaces – Belhaven Meridian, directed by Kahlil Joseph

2011-07-21T13:39:00.000-07:00

I've been carrying a lot of negativity lately. The triple threat enemies are defensiveness, vulnerability, and self-criticism. On the way to anger-ville, I came across this video via Em C for MISS Crew. Ishmael “Butterfly” Butler, who was 1/3 of the poetically and highly revered Digible Planets, expressed my current emotions so eloquently and unintentionally connected with my inner emo.

"That's what's up."

Shabazz Palaces - Belhaven Meridian from Sub Pop Records on Vimeo.

Thick Dumpling Skin: The Bootch Edition

2011-07-12T20:43:00.000-07:00

Image via: Bicoastal Bitchin

Are you an Asian female who's reminded that she's fat, skinny, losing weight, gaining weight at every family party? Perhaps you were confronted with a scenario where a female family member noted that you were fat and gaining weight, and then proceeded to shove an enormous plate of food in front of your face.

There is a glare on the other side of that plate, even a look of earnestness and approval. So what do you do?

Do you inhale the three delicious helpings of Kare Kare so that your Auntie insensitive will not cry if you don't eat it?

You probably will, because its worth the comfort. You just got called fat. Sure why not, get the extra rice. In fact, grab a fried pork chop while you are at it. Shit, where is THAT cake? Oh there's ice cream? Pile it on!

As much as Asian women use food for approval and comfort we are so quick to call each other fat, the minute someone's body no longer has the silhouette of a 13-year-old boy.

Unlike other cultures, Asians are not accustomed to seeing their families only twice a year. We see them all the freaking time. And as customary as a "Hello," someone is there to tell you the status of your body. You think you have "Thick Dumpling Skin" until you are told you need to lose weight.... from five different family members.

I myself, have punished myself on countless diets and then fell a part at a family party. The spread of fried meats, egg rolls, noodles, makes me feel like a lion set free. Besides, being on a no-carb diet is just ludicrous. I mean the most Asian part about me is that my blood flows with the help of noodles and rice. And hello, stir-fried was not invented by white people so why the hell should I not eat Bon Chon fried chicken!

Hyphen magazine did a great article on Ada Wong, who was a runner up on the weight-loss show The Biggest Loser. Upon reading the article they highlighted a blog called Thick Dumpling Skin. The blog's two founders Lynn Chen and Lisa Lee both talk about their own issues with eating disorders. I was deeply impacted and relieved that two speak about these issues within our culture. In fact, as I'm writing this, I'm devouring a pork chop as we speak.

"Oh you are just too sensitive!" Yeah.. probably. However, these comments cause eating disorders, and just to let you know, people with eating disorders have an earlier death rate than the asshole told them they were fat.

Unless you have inherited the "Asian Metabolism," which is arguably rooted in poverty, farming culture, and possibly war-stricken stress, these issues probably strike you to the core. I would gather that these issues are why an Asian person's relationship to food is rooted in safety and comfort, and not having enough food on your plate would send you in a hunger stricken panic.

It is very American to lament about eating too much food. Whereas many of our relatives experienced famine and war, which could be why our family is so bent on have so much food. Food is beautiful and social. It's such a joy to be around my family and we are all eating, because we take pride in cooking well and being together.

I think every single woman in my family has had a bad day with their body, and even warded themselves before seeing oversea family member. There is an anxiety about being called fat, when you are culturally supposed to be skinny. Fat is a very broad term for Asians. Maybe the rest of American has accepted a size 8, but for Asians that's obese. I'm not sure how issues of body dysmorphia can be addressed in a culture that doesn't even see it. Skinny is the norm, why wouldn't you be a size zero?

We can argue for days about how eating too much is not good, but how about we talk about how snippy fat comments are detrimental? The healthy/unhealthy choices of women are rooted in self esteem. I'm not going to let my daughter, boothebootch Jr, eat a whole bucket of KFC, but damn it. She's not going to be in this madness. I want her to fit other stereotypes such as getting my taxes and finances straight. I'd rather she be a Dr. Boothebootch Jr and not a size zero. See, i'll be a great mother.

My relationship with my family hasn't changed. We are still as close as ever, but it's important that my relationship with food is evolving. Food is beautiful and it brings people together. Asian people shouldn't have a bad relationship with food, it's one of the most beautiful aspects of our culture.

I'm very grateful for Lisa and Lynn and I hope that you all get a chance to follow their blog.

Now eat!

Thao and Mirah

2011-07-12T10:17:00.000-07:00

UGH.... I hate the fat head in this picture, but I couldn't crop it out.

Thao and Mirah performed at the Hotel Cafe in Los Angeles last night.

I've been itching to see some live music, and when I got the invite I bolted out the door.

Los Angeles has plenty of great music, and Thao and Mirah did not disappoint.

They got a great review in the LA Weekly and apparently their show was not to miss. Both women have their own stylish breathiness to their singing. Thao's is very deep and electric whereas Mirah's is very ethereal. While listening to their set I felt a lot of country and folks influences, and there there were some songs where they rocked the fuck out, and it was awesome.

I even got a picture with them! Oh wait.... woops!

There you go!

Photoshoot with Ann Borja

2011-07-09T10:57:00.000-07:00

contact:
e. annaborja@gmail.com
m. 415. 240. 2131
Website

Shot with Canon EOS 50D.

No Facebook Day 95

2011-07-08T12:56:00.000-07:00

Peep "Don't 'Like' Me" on KQED's Perspectives.

By Jasmine Ty (Also fellow Bindlestiff Artist)

We no longer live in an age where we have to keep up with the Joneses. No, now with the invention of Facebook, we have the privilege of keeping up with the Garcias, the Spencers, the Changs, the Lees and the Millers. All from the comfort of your own home. We are now in the age of a digital democracy. You have the right to post pretentious status updates, list enviable schools and jobs, show off exotic vacation photos, baby videos and more. You have the right to live the good life for all to see. And because every picture, every post is meticulously selected, everyone has an obnoxiously good life.

I wonder what you do offline. I wonder what your status is overall. Chris is... Dennis is... Heather is... A news feed of what you're thinking, what you're doing every second of the day, political commentaries, pro- and anti-religious sentiments, rambling rants, mundane musings. It's like hearing everyone at full volume, thoughts formerly reserved only for yourself on broadcast for 675 "friends" to hear. Don't get me wrong. I'm grateful for what social networking does: reuniting people, helping causes, spreading awareness. But sometimes, I don't really care what you think.

I'm giving up. I cannot compete with your digital self -- carefully orchestrated posts and photos. I cannot keep up with where you are. Karen is at Golden Gate park...in Las Vegas...at the movies. I want a break from "connecting and sharing with the people in my life" as the slogan goes. I want to sit and eat good food without anyone knowing about it. I want to turn off my "share" button and stop announcing my break-ups, make-ups or telling the world "It's complicated." Who cares? I don't want to poke anyone, play Farmville or give you any more access to my digital DNA than I already have. I want to post images only to my mind, only for me to see. Above all, I want to stop referring to myself in third person, stop posting comments and start living a life beyond Facebook walls.

Do me a favor and please don't "like" this.

With a Perspective, I'm Jasmine Ty.

Favorite GRE Word of The Day

2011-07-06T14:05:00.000-07:00

Chimera: An illusion; originally, a fire-breathing she-monster

July Shenanigans

2011-07-06T11:28:00.000-07:00

My July has been pretty awesome so far. Although, I've been super stressed about the GRE, I've managed to still have fun this month.

Fourth of July is not really a big deal for me, but in the bay we always go to my aunt's house and she makes steak sandwiches.

My friend Oli had a get together at his apartment in Los Feliz. I'd thought I'd bring bay area auntie flav to party so I bought a shitload of steaks from Vons. The prices for steaks was a steal.

I think I got like 15 steaks for $20. I bought some french rolls and white onions.

Grill the onion and add some mayonnaise and you have a really great steak sandwich. So there were about seven of us, and we killed ALL of the steaks.

Did I mention we also had bacon wrapped hot dogs, bacon wrapped bake potatoes, watermelon, prosciutto and peaches, cucumber salad, and Thai rice?

We were eating enough to feed a village, and my stomach was mooing all the way home. The roof at Oli's apartment is at eye level with the Dodger's stadium, and we were able to catch the fireworks. It was awesome!

The apartment also has peacocks walking around. Here's the alpha peacock finding refuge from all of the noise.
My friend Judith also celebrated with us. One of my favorite bloggers Yoshi did a post about hand pulled noodles, and it's been stuck in my brain since. I inserted the craving into Judith's head, so we headed down to the San Gabriel Area to find some. I played detective Yelper, and found Kam Hong Garden. The food here is AMAZING. Huge portions, fresh noodles, and the dumplings are to DIE for! I'm talking like an annoying yelp review, but I fucking swear this place is the business. Please be jealous of the pictures below.

My amazing shrimp and pork dumpling looking at me and taunting my weakness.

Roommate is KO'd by the Noodles
Slurp Slurp Slurp! Sluuuuuuurp!
My Friend Ava also stopped by LA for the Backstreet Boys/NKOTB concert. She's been a die hard NKOTB Blockhead ever since I've known her. She and I ate at Bottega Louie, which has the best pasta pomordoro this bootch has ever tasted!

Yes, this license plate is for real.

Yes, those are the autographed signatures of all of New Kids, except for Jordan.

Me and Miss Ava!

The Undeniables

2011-07-06T10:25:00.000-07:00

I have three blogs now. It's madness, but I swear that I'm not that narcissistic.

All of my UCLA courses have ended, and I'm eager to keep my writing momentum going, so I joined an online writing workshop called The Undeniables. My friend Cindy previously joined the group to showcase academic writing and she highly recommended the series to me. All of the participants are expected to create their own wordpress blog and create a post every day.

One of the biggest challenges about being a great writer, is not making the time to do it. The greatest writers of our time had a schedule. I read that Tennessee Williams and Ernest Hemingway always began their writing at dawn. Well I'm still asleep at dawn, but if I can find an hour a day to write then I shall!

I contacted them sometime in late June about the next session. I thought I would have a month to dilly dally, but then I got an email back on June 29th: We are starting in two days! Are you up for the challenge? Ak! I have my GRE? What am I going to do? Well I made time for it, because that is what am supposed to do as a writer. Make time to write.

The other participants in this series are amazing. Please click here to check out the other scribes.

Here is my third blog dedicated to flash fiction. Enjoy!

Bill O'Reilly Interviews Rapper Lupe Fiasco - 06/20/11

2011-06-30T18:13:00.000-07:00

I'm writing this post hangry, so please forgive the curtness and frustration.

You got two people saying stupid ass shit to win an argument that doesn't make sense. I never thought that Bill O'Reilly would defend Obama. Knock knock hell, are you frozen yet?

Rapper Lupe Fiasco, who I was starting to like by the way, made a very unique comment that "Obama is a Terrorist." Now of course, O'Reilly doesn't explain the context of the comment, but Lupe Fiasco did not come with a valid explanation. Being a leftist of the left, I completely understand Lupe's stance, and our president should absolutely be challenged in the decisions that he makes. I don't support the war on Afghanistan either, but Jesus if you are coming to declare our president to be a "terrorist" you better be packing some heat.

I just don't think that Lupe Fiasco's opinion is viable just because he is arguing against Bill O'Reilly, which is what the response to this video has been. There was no "winner" in this conversation, but the statement that Obama is a terrorist is irresponsible. Jesus, am I actually agreeing with O'Reilly? NO NO NO!

I hate it when people say things that they don't mean. I especially hate it when they are saying dumb ass shit for the sake of shock value. I'm not convinced that Lupe Fiasco thinks that Obama is a terrorist, and it's even more ludicrous that he went to defend himself on the O'Reilly factor. The video is a stupid argument about an immature statement.

GOD I'M SO HANGRY!

Dating Site Bio Gets Weird

2011-06-30T10:28:00.000-07:00

I would like to thank my friend Oli for this awesomeness. I was just informed that it's fake, but I don't care. I was rolling around in laughter as I foresaw what will be my dating life in the near future.

&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;a href='http://www.bing.com/videos/watch/video/dating-site-bio-gets-weird/20jtlqg4?rel=msn&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;cpkey=04874a49-afcc-4aa0-95a2-53de50160aa3%7Cnews%20anchor%7Cmsn%7C%7C&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;src=v5:share:email:&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;from=email' target='_new' title='Dating Site Bio Gets Weird' &amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;Video: Dating Site Bio Gets Weird&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/a&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;

I Love This Bootch DOT com!

2011-06-26T14:16:00.000-07:00

I know Toni is the star of the family, but TAMAR is clearly the star of Braxton Family Values. OMG.com, LMFAO.com, and Sheisatrip.org.

Please enjoy the short clip of the awesomeness that is Tamar Braxton.

Beyoncé - Best Thing I Never Had (Audio)

2011-06-26T11:27:00.000-07:00

I know this is the second Beyonce video I've posted this month. I've gotten into the most off the hook arguments about Beyonce, and I am by no mean the head of the "Lets defend Beyonce committee," but she has the perfect songs for getting over dudes. And to her credit, if I gave her the mic and told her to sing the ABC's, I guarantee that she will KILL it.

I can imagine her saying,"Sure C, I'll sing you the ABC's let me just change my outfit."

BAH! Wouldn't that be the best thing ever? I can sit next to Jay Z while Beyonce sings me the ABC's! I would die.

I pre-ordered her album. It looks like July is going to be a sassy month!

Talking Heads-Cities

2011-06-25T12:49:00.001-07:00

I Need To Figure Out Where The Hell I'm Going to Live

My lease ends in September. I've had fantasies of leaving again, only because there are days where LA is a little too much for me. I love its slow pace, but sometimes it's too damn slow and people seem really out of touch with reality. Maybe I'm out of touch and I'm just finding a reason to run again.

My life plan tells me I need to stay put for another year. Aside from minor grumbles, I'm pretty safe emotionally here. That's always a good thing right?

It's Great to Have a Best Friend

2011-06-25T09:58:00.000-07:00

Who is also a great photographer. Thanks so much Miss B17 for always being there for me.

By the way, that's a 29 year old jump! Behind my big ass smile was a big girl grunt.

Writing is Rewriting: Like Foreal

2011-06-23T10:24:00.000-07:00

So I read my final to my class last night. I spent a lot of time on it, and was pissed that I still had typos and grammar issues. The whole piece in itself did not satisfy the impact I wanted, but a classmate of mine said it was her favorite piece. Maybe it was the content. I explained so much it was very expository, and as a writer you want to transform readers into the experience that you are sharing.

I left my class craving pasta, because recalling the event that changed everything was a burden in itself. Not mention, that I wasn't really satisfied with my work. I'll work harder on it next time

Otherwise, I had a minor mental milestone. I'm not a as crude as I used to be, which I attribute to my effort in learning other writing techniques. I suppose my vernacular was a poor imitation of the bitchy bloggers that I'd become accustomed to following. It's pleasure to see my own voice start to refine itself.

I have an online copywriting class that I still need to take, and hopefully this will help the grammar and sentence syntax issues.

Meh, that was my night.

Happy Father's Day

2011-06-20T23:15:00.001-07:00

This year was the first Father's day not spent at home in the Bay. When I called home I could hear the sadness in his voice. We eat together almost every week when he comes to LA for work and he's become a favorite eating buddy. We call it our food club. Although my mom is an honorary member, she clearly hates that she's not included, and would rather not get all the text messages with photos of our delicious meals.

If there is anything that I'm grateful for is that he is good to my mom and bails out his kids! He is patient with all of us and our quirky attitudes. I love that I inherited his goofy personality. It's been an awesome gift, considering that we all need to laugh when life gets difficult.

He's always a happy guy around us. To say I have the best dad is an understatement. Happy Father's day dad.

Give Me Couture: The Donut Hoes Photoshoot

2011-06-20T22:53:00.000-07:00

My Friend Saville was in town from the bay, and he's always wanted a picture of the big donut shops that are so notoriously L.A. Does Snoop ring a bell? I was mad laughing when he sent this to me. There were some little girls in the van next to us that were cracking up.

Lady Gaga can kiss my ass and eat a donut in my honor. This is clearly Avant Garde!

Raja - Diamond Crowned Queen [OFFICIAL VIDEO]

2011-06-20T21:29:00.000-07:00

For those who watched Rupaul's Drag Race season 3 recap, will recall the hilarious conversation where Manila told Raja that she sounds like James Earl Jones. Well Miss Darth Vader in drag recorded a really catchy dance track, and a music video that will make you blush.

Honestly, this video sounds nothing like Raja. He's on super/hyper-autotune, but I don't really care. He's doing what he does well, which is give good face, with smoldering eyes and a bad girl pout. I love how he challenges gender, sexuality, and fashion, which were qualities that made his win practically a shoe in. In non-drag he's a bit of a hunk, and one of my favorite Asian-American break out stars of this year.

All hail queen Raja! Sex for Dinner!

Go The F*CK To Sleep: Narrated by Samuel L. Jackson

2011-06-18T23:03:00.001-07:00

I think I found the solution to my insomnia problems. This is a real book. You can buy it on Amazon.

Bossip.com posted the most awesome audio of Samuel L. Jackson narrating this book, that almost had me peeing in my pants.

If Samuel L. Jackson were to read me a bedtime story I would probably laugh the whole f*cking time, which would piss him off even more, so I would probably never get to sleep.

Please enjoy the awesome audio that is GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP!

Conan O'Brien's 2011 Dartmouth College Commencement Address

2011-06-17T19:16:00.000-07:00

"It is our failure to become of perceived ideal that makes us unique. It's not easy, but if you accept your misfortune, and handle it right, your perceived failure can become a catalyst for profound reinvention." -Conan O'Brien

College was the best time of my life. Graduating from college was the worst time of my life. Right now I'm driving on an unbeaten path. We'll see how it goes. Now it's an exciting time of my life.

There is no better cure for self perceived failure, than to hear from someone who endured one of the biggest and most public career disappointments in television. Filled with humor, insight, and sincerity, Coco brought it. I want to hug this silly ginge and punch Jay Leno in the nuts.

You're 29 not 21: The Angry Email Addition

2011-06-17T08:56:00.000-07:00

I recently I got an email that made me so angry, I straight went H.A.M (hard as a motherfucker) on the keyboard, and I typed a response that would even hesitate Kanye from interrupting me.

Before I clicked send, I saved draft on a word document and showed it to my roommate (THIS WAS A LIFESAVER).

In all his infinite wisdom and glory, he understood what I was trying to do, but he told me to retype it. I was not presenting my best self. My words were appropriate for a school yard fight, and nothing else.

Once I took fifteen minutes to calm down I got back on the keyboard, represented my point of view, and I walked away carrying on with my day. When I got a response, to my surprise, this person had no idea that I was offended, and even typed a very heartfelt clarification.

I felt like two year old that had just exhausted herself from a tantrum. It was a horrible feeling, I started to cry, because the things I was about to say to this person were cruel and personal. If I had sent my first email I know I would have regretted it.

I have no idea where I learned to fire off in this way. It's gotten me in trouble numerous times, but yesterday, I'm glad that my friend and I were able to redeem ourselves, and represent our intentions clearly. At some point, I will let my friend know how endearing he has truly been, and showing me another reason why I am now 29 and not 21. He's inspired me to share some tips for other other fiery email scribers.

1. Say what you wanna say, but copy and paste it on a word document, and walk away. When you are mad, your best self is not talking to you. Your ego is. Walk away and see the situation for it really is.

2. Be Compassionate. Unless the words, cunt whore bitch, was typed in your subject line, it is most likely that something is not being communicated well, and it's probably not a direct attack on you. When you walk away try to think of EVERY intention of why this person wrote this email to you. If you truly feel like you are being under attack, then let god be with you, and forward me your response!

3. Have a Rational Friend Read a Draft of Your Email. I will fully admit I am the biggest hype man. If you say we are gonna fight, I will run and grab my battle ax, and summon the minotaur. So don't call me to be rational! If you get a rational person to read your email, they will most likely sympathize with your reaction, but they will help you get to where you need to go. If they care about you they will help you minimize your infinite demise, by preventing you from communicating an irrational bitch rant. Remember that emails will be forwarded. If your crazy ass is memorable, then your words will live in infamy in the many inboxes of the people you don't even care about.

4. Draft a Response That Your Grandmother Can Read. If you soften the language it will open a better line of communication. You don't need to apologize or give in. Just take out all of the battle language, cuz it ain't gonna help you. You will lose your job, your friend, and your reputation. I have a reputation for being a jerk, but I don't want to be known as a super jerk. I gotta rep to uphold!

5. Type What It Is That You Really Want. Now Cut That in Half. I'm just gonna be real. Women write too much in emails, and we don't really need to. Unless you casting a spell be concise. The recipient will be better affected if you simply type a rational response, rather than documenting your emotional process. There are some emails I've written where I'm like, damn did I write this in a snuggie with a bottle of wine?

6. If The Recipient is Truly An Asshole. It Doesn't Warrant Response. Sit on that for a second. The best way to get back at an asshole is to ignore all of their bloated nonsense. If it's work related take up with a superior. If it's personal, pretend like you never saw it. Sociopaths love attention for all of the messed up things that they do. Only a sociopath/psycho/deranged bitch/major asshole would take the time to rip you apart emotionally through email. They are overgrown babies that need attention. You are not an overgrown baby. You are fabulous.

Happy Birthday Bootch

2011-06-16T10:39:00.000-07:00

My birthday was on Monday.

The day started with me opening my eyes and panicking from my bed. I laid still on my back wondering what it was I wanted to do first. Coffee is usually a great way to get things going, so I started with that.

If I make the motions small, I can handle the big task of dealing with the day.

Before I left for the airport to go back home, I went to my neighborhood mall in Fremont. When I need to sort out my mind I like to be at a mall. The mindless wandering keeps my brain from freaking out from anxiety, so there I was in my hoodie and jeans wandering and wandering.

I left the mall with two more hoodies, and I decided that it a good day for both a frappachinno and a pasta dish, so I devoured both. My cellphone was alive with tons of text messages and phone calls. It helped me put an extra pep in my step, and giggle with glee.

When I got back to LA I was filled with many surprises to say the least. My night was eased in with a dinner that my roommate planned at Crabulous , and I was joined by really great friends. I wish I took pictures! Once I saw all these great faces, I was very much as ease with being 29, and the fear of facing the rest of the year began to lessen.

The crew and I went back to the apartment, where we enjoyed Crown Royal and Gingerale. We talked about various inappropriate topics such as Grindr, blue waffle, and possible interracial/fetish work trysts. Very weird and very gross, I know, but I wouldn't spend my birthday doing anything else. I'm very much that bastos Filipino auntie, so I thrive around crude company.

I went to bed feeling very loved, very clear, and incredibly thankful. I'm blessed with the variations of life, and the lessons it provides. I made a promise a year ago that I would fight for my life, and I truly have. I have balance, clarity, and ambition, which were struggles from age 23-27.

It's a great feeling to be assured in ones skin. No matter what struggles lie ahead, I'm pretty content with the with person that I am, even though I may cringe at the things that I've done.

29 ain't bad. I have no trouble getting out of bed. There's no need to panic.

Mom. Best Friend.

2011-06-16T10:26:00.000-07:00

June 13, 2011

Dear Christina,

Your turning 29 is very special to me because at age 29 I was a new mother with you. Lately I've been thinking a lot about that year and how wonderful it was to have all that time with you. Although I really didn't know what I was doing, you had tremendous patience for me.

You were never cranky or whining. You were always smart, loving, and good natured.

I wish someone had told me that first week that you were born, when everyone was asleep except you and me that my baby would grow up to be a beautiful, accomplished woman. I would have forgotten how tired and sleep deprived I was, and I would have resisted the urge to yank your sleeping father out of bed.

You once told me that you thought of me as your best friend. That is the highest compliment anyone has said to me as a mother, and I hope that you will always think of me in that way.

Happy Birthday, Christina, I love you.

Mom

Beyoncé 1+1 Rehearsal Acapella Jay-Z Recorded of Be Backstage at American Idol

2011-06-10T12:37:00.000-07:00

I've been posting a lot of videos lately.

My cousin posted this video the other day, and it made me teary. All my life I've believed in true love. We all do right?

There's nothing like a singing black girl that gets to my heartstrings!

Bey why you gotta make me cry?

Jonte Moaning

2011-06-09T10:10:00.000-07:00

I ran into a picture of Mr. Moaning on an urban website and they were trying to clown him.

I mean, I did look at the picture, and noticed his white ass eyebrows, but whatever it's Japan.

Hailed as the Lady Gaga of Japan and the go to choreographer for Beyonce, I figured this dude is probably tight.

Once I googled his videos and his dance performances, I was like, Lady Gaga AIN'T SHIT compared to JONTE!

She needs to stop with that Judas silliness, biting off Madonna, and preaching about being Avant Garde, because I'm gonna say it..... she stole her swag from Jonte.

I'm not kidding. I swear to God. This guy can dance and sing circles around Lady Gaga. I have a feeling this guy has been the back bone of so many pop stars and is ready to blow them away.

He refers to himself as an androgynous man, while others have labeled a drag queen. America being its own hater bubble at times, may not be ready for him, but I'M READY! When I watch pop music, I'm drowning in a bunch of boring, and Jonte is a breath of fresh air. It's naughty, sassy, and dangerous. Love him.

Choreo, Swag, SICK!

Bitch, sit down!

I ain't playing with these hoes! Thought you knew but now, ya know!

Frank Ocean: Strawberry Swing

2011-06-07T14:45:00.000-07:00

For my final project we have to write about a moment when everything changed. It's a moment that is clear and we were never the same afterwards. It's due on Wednesday, and I've been doing everything that I can to avoid writing it. I've been crying all day, because I don't want to start it.

It's been a ritual for me to throw a tantrum during the week before my birthday. This year is no different. I'm still in the midst of confronting things about myself.

I'm very content with what's going on right now, more so than I've ever been in my life. So there really isn't anything to cry about, really. There's just been so much change. There's some part of me that is fighting to catch up.

Wu Tang Clan "C.R.E.A.M."

2011-06-06T13:34:00.000-07:00

I need to fire my financial advisor. Wait a second. I'm the financial advisor and the secretary. AGH!

Robyn 'Call Your Girlfriend' Official Video (HQ)

2011-06-05T16:36:00.000-07:00

She seriously makes the best girl music on earth. This Video is on hit. LAV her!

I Found My Red Lipstick

2011-06-05T12:04:00.001-07:00

I've always shied away from red lipstick because it made me look more Chinadoll and not Gwen Stefani. I've always envied those girls who can just put on nothing but red lipstick and walk around like some chic Parisian in the Spring. I also love retro looks so I've been trying to find the right shade that fit my skin tone and my face shape.

After much trial and error I think I've found my match. Lipstick: Rouge Artist Intense from Makeup Forever and MAC's LipGelee in Lush and Bright. The Lipgelee Lush and Bright is discontinued for the moment, but any of the Lipgelees with a bright, glittery, and shiny pink should fine. I like this gloss because it's thick and rich and it makes the pout look extra luscious!

I asked my male/straight roommate, "So what do you think of the red lipstick? Does it work?"

"It's very.......red."

-_-

Later that night. Tinna says to my roommate, "Why don't you just compliment her red lipstick!

LOL.

Here's to the Chinadoll! Yay Red!

Writing is Rewriting

2011-06-02T15:23:00.000-07:00

I'm currently working on three rewrites right now. It's the part of writing I hate, because it's a lot of fixing. I'm usually horrible at editing, sentence structure, and tenses. I was really excited writing these pieces, now I'm nauseated from looking at them over and over again.

I'm trying to start my days earlier instead of ending them later. I'm at my most efficient when I've had my first cup of coffee, and not when I'm smoking my first bowl.

I also had this weird odd job this week, that required a lot of manual labor. A British classmate of mine, said that I "Didn't look like the type that did manual labor." I laughed, because I didn't know if that was a compliment, or if I truly just look like a lazy ass. Whatever the case, I was dead tired in class last night, and the fatigue is carrying over into the weekend.

I'm using my left over brain space to figure out how I can continue to create this balance of work and writing. It's where I'm at my happiest. I really grateful.

Welcome June. I love it when you are here.

Same Lipstick

2011-06-02T10:48:00.001-07:00

Bootch Minaj and Tinna from Beauty Synergy. Our lipstick is Girl about Town from MAC

Addicted to Love?

2011-05-28T14:54:00.000-07:00

I've been addicted, *chuckle,* to the The Fix, a website solely dedicated to addiction and recovery.

Rich with celebrity interviews and plenty of facts and research to share, The Fix is smart, sleek, and engaging use of time.

Love addiction, is it real or a myth? Catherine Townsend describes her own experience with the addiction, but she still left me wondering whether or not the addiction is valid.

According to her article, love addiction has not made it into the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, but she gives enough examples and anecdotes that prove otherwise.

Every woman, and I mean EVERY woman that I know, has had a psychotic break down that resulted in a breakup. I also know a few men, although they will not admit to even half of the psycho shit that me and my girls have done. However, is this behavior an indicator to a lifelong mental illness such as depression or bipolar disorder? I'm not sure if I'm sold, but I'm entertained.

My favorite quotes from this article are:

“The true test of mental health is how you cope with these setbacks. Do you turn to family and friends, or do you start spinning out of control and stalking your ex? When something happens to blow up the fantasy, true love addicts go into physical withdrawal, and then into psychiatric meltdown.”

“You have to work with the addictive process, the fantasy, the denial that protects the fantasy, the withdrawal from the fantasy, the returning to the relationship and return to the fantasy, or spinning off and doing it with someone else,” says Katehakis. “

"Fighting off sobs, I asked them if this was like the Sex and the Cityepisode where Carrie’s friends cut her off. They replied that they felt more like the passengers in Airplane!, who chose to hang and stab themselves rather than be subjected to yet another sob story about someone's ex-lover."

The best way to get yourself out of heartbreak. Is to completely take yourself out of the situation. All of it. Women are pushed from fantasy to fantasy, and it fucks with our sanity. Get your sanity back, and save that energy for your self growth. You are going to need it for reality.

No Facebook Day 55

2011-05-28T10:41:00.000-07:00

Hi, I kill animals!

Mark Zuckerberg is only eating animals he kills himself

The commentary on this article is hilarious, but here's an actual quoate from his interview with Fortune magazine.

"Facebook co-founder Mark Zuckerberg has reportedly taken to eating only meat from animals he has killed in order to appreciate that a creature died so that he could live. The 27-year-old billionaire took on the dietary regimen as the latest in a series of “personal challenges” that he pursues in what little time he spends not working on Facebook, a Fortune magazine story explained on Thursday. “I’m eating a lot healthier foods,” Zuckerberg is quoted as telling Fortune while discussing his switch to slaughtering livestock for his meals. “And I’ve learned a lot about sustainable farming and raising of animals,” he continued. “It’s easy to take the food we eat for granted when we can eat good things every day.” A Silicon Valley chef who lives not far from Zuckerberg in the Northern California city of Palo Alto has introduced him to local farmers and coached him on killing his first chicken, pig, and goat, according to Fortune. His first kill was a lobster, which he executed by boiling. Larger animals that he kills are sent to a butcher, who sends the cut meat back to Zuckerberg and his girlfriend Priscilla to be cooked as they wish, the article indicated. Zuckerberg has shared his dietary endeavor on his Facebook page, where he posted a photo of a chicken he killed and dishes he made using the parts. “This year I’ve basically become a vegetarian since the only meat I’m eating is from animals I’ve killed myself,” Fortune quoted Zuckerberg as saying in an email. “I think many people forget that a living being has to die for you to eat meat, so my goal revolves around not letting myself forget that and being thankful for what I have.” Zuckerberg said he takes on a personal challenge each year, with prior goals including learning Chinese and wearing a tie. “So far, this has been a good experience,” Zuckerberg said of his new diet. “I’m eating a lot healthier foods and I’ve learned a lot about sustainable farming and raising of animals.” He still visits restaurants, but opts for venues with vegetarian offerings, according to Fortune."

If I learned anything from The Social Network, Zuckerberg does not have an Ivy league degree in tactfulness. I really hope that this article in Fortune is a misquote, but if I'm going to make my bets, I think Zuckerberg really did talk about this like it was good thing for his image.

There two things that made me roll my eyes, one was the tone of, WOE is ME! I'm a billlionare and I'm BOOOOOORED! I can't buy my meat with the common folk, I need to torture an animal so I can appreciate its last seconds of a miserable life, just so I can stomach this meal that my hot Chinese girlfriend is going to prepare!

Just a reminder, this is the guy that has the information of MILLIONS of people. We gave it to him willingly. This asshole has my email, phone number, and my drunk pictures.

The other thing, how does this advocate vegetarianism? He kills animals so that he can appreciate their life when he eats them, but he can't stomach it so he now eats vegetarian. You have a Chinese girlfriend. Man the f*ck up! Chinese people have been killing their own food for centuries, and now you can't stomach it... you prick.

Here's the article from Fortune itself.

Day 55 woot woot!

Hey I know these girls.

2011-05-26T16:12:00.000-07:00

This was a pleasant surprise. Kelly Kalagayan did a photo shoot with us for our Death of a Playa show.

He's really cool guy and a great photographer. Here is his site *high five* Kelly!

Sometimes This is Me Stuck in LA Traffic. No Joke.

2011-05-25T14:43:00.000-07:00

Wow Sex Trafficking is So Fashionable

2011-05-24T11:02:00.000-07:00

I came across this video lookbook today, from a website that I follow regularly. I was disturbed by the women posing provacatively next to the trucks at the truck stop. It just reminded me of sex trafficking. I know that the theme was road trip, but this video reminded me of the Rodarte Snafu they made with MAC Cometics. This video has the same "tasteless" feel.

Gold Saturn Road Trip Collection - Lookbook Video from GOLD SATURN on Vimeo.

My Favorite Asian-American Bloggers

2011-05-23T11:50:00.000-07:00

Fashion Blogger: Bleed For Fashion
Mother/Writer/Evolving Blogger: I, Mami
When food met the Yellow Power movement blogger: Fresh off the Boat
The resourceful and cute as shit blogger: The Adventures of Yoshi
The ultimate half asian Ho and snarky blogger: Michael K from Dlisted

These are folks that I always look forward to seeing in my googlereader. They represent my need for food, fashion, fun, art, and shit talking. I'm glad that Asian Americans are becoming popular for expressing their perspectives, since we've been a world that often overlooks it. I haven't wrapped my head around why blogging is so popular, and what makes one blog more appealing than another. Whatever the answer is, I'm glad that these four individuals do it.

No Facebook Day 50

2011-05-23T11:07:00.000-07:00

I'm relieved to be without that evil fucking website. Whenever I hear conversations of adding this person or that person, but that person will get mad, or my feelings are hurt because he/she added this person, I'm just more than pleased to not relate or participate. In one single sweep I annihilated all of the people that don't mean shit to me.

Facebook doesn't let you move on from people you are not supposed to see anymore. The old workers, classmates, and frenemies are are not supposed to be in your life. Me and the rest of our society, are losing the ability to let go, and value our privacy. Instead of enriching the connections that are meaningful, Facebook trapped me in the vortex of pictures, creepy chats, and really, really, stupid updates of people who I just wanted to let go.

I suppose I'm living a really unconventional lifestyle right now, that is more secluded than my peers, but for real, there should be only five people at most that should know every single thing about you. Your mother shouldn't know where the fuck you go at 3am, as you are checking into a god forsaken shit hole getting drunk.

I know that 50 days without Facebook has made me into a grouch, but I'm a happy grouch. I've been busy and productive. I'm emotionally growing, my writing is getting better, and I'm overall, I'm just a happy camper.

In Honor of Asian Women, Cuz It's Our Month Bitch!

2011-05-20T12:20:00.000-07:00

Paper Tigers

2011-05-20T09:22:00.000-07:00

What do you know, it's Asian American history month! Interrupted by the fear of Rapture that is to come this Saturday, I realized that May is coming to a close, and I haven't posted anything Asian-American. How un-Asian-American of me. Jesus, that was a lot of hyphens.

My girl Chelle forwarded me this feature from New York magazine written by Wesley Yang, called "Paper Tigers". He poses the question, "What happens to all of the Asian-American over achievers when the test taking ends?"

Paper tigers is in reference to Amy Chua's Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, who unfortunately has suffered at the hands of her own rapture. She basically scared everyone shitless, and has been publicly flogged for her scary Chinese mothering.

I appreciated the range of Asian-Americans that Yang interviewed for this 11 page feature. He represented the complexities fairly, and had something for everyone to relate to. I wish I could have written something this eloquent for my senior thesis, when I graduated from Asian American studies. I too frazzled and flighty to put the thoughts together.

I was a little irritated that Filipinos were not included in this conversation, but the Chinese half of me was enthused that the participants were so candid and honest. My favorite part was the "Romance Bootcamp," where Asian men were learning Alpha male techniques so that they can meet women.

I'm always concerned about my Asian men. Dating them, and watching them try to date, has been both painful and enlightening. Sex, socialization, power, and dominance are elements that shapes American power. The thirst to be accepted is understandable, but worrisome. If we create Alpha Asians to be up to par with their White counterparts, they are going to be as equally as annoying. Don't we have a term for these types of people? Yes, we call them douches.

As for the women, I met my fair share of Amy Chua's, and they make me shiver. They either emotionally unravel at the slightest touch, or they are the most unforgiving bitches that lack a fucking sense of humor. I can't decide which type I like more!

However, the attack on Chua was unfair. The Wall Street Journal posted the juiciest part of her memoir, which sent so many Asian women to an immediate trip to their therapists. The memoir was meant to explore the pros and cons of this type of parenting, but White people got themselves into a frenzy, because the assumed she was posing Chinese parenting as superior parenting. It made it sound like Chinese people put their kids through a concentration camp in order for them to succeed. Actually, that's an excellent idea, and it would be a profitable business model.

For the record, I do not have a tiger mother. My mother is a Filipino lion. She is responsible for my stunning personality. I've inherited her glare, so much so, that when I look at pictures of myself, I shudder in fear. It brings me back to childhood, and I'm in trouble, because I made my mother mad.

She would be so proud!

I love how Yang slightly surfaces the Asians that simply don't give a shit. It's not that blatant, but I sure did notice it and I giggled. I guess this is the category that I fall in. I've never treated education as life or death, but I my Western attitude of "doing my best" did serve me well. I can abandon the things that are not that important, and my life does not end if I am not good at certain things. However, I will become Asian when I give a shit about something. When I find a skill that I can do well, I hang on to that it like a life raft, and I obsess about it till no end. I will practice till it's perfect. Not just well, but perfect.

Anyhoo, Happy Asian-American month. Please feel free to give me your opinions about the article. I'm more than willing to discuss.

Here are some highlights that caught my attention:

" (She quotes a music teacher at Stuyvesant describing the dominance of Asians: 'They were mediocre kids, but they got in because they were coached.')"

"Colleges have a way of correcting for this imbalance: The Princeton sociologist Thomas Espenshade has calculated that an Asian applicant must, in practice, score 140 points higher on the SAT than a comparable white applicant to have the same chance of admission."

“At Stuy, it’s completely different: If you looked at the pinnacle, the girls and the guys are not only good-looking and socially affable, they also get the best grades and star in the school plays and win election to student government. It all converges at the top. It’s like training for high society. It was jarring for us Chinese kids. You got the sense that you had to study hard, but it wasn’t enough.”

"Mao was becoming clued in to the fact that there was another hierarchy behind the official one that explained why others were getting what he never had—“a high-school sweetheart” figured prominently on this list—and that this mysterious hierarchy was going to determine what happened to him in life. “You realize there are things you really don’t understand about courtship or just acting in a certain way. Things that somehow come naturally to people who go to school in the suburbs and have parents who are culturally assimilated."

"What if life has failed to make you a socially dominant alpha male who runs the American boardroom and prevails in the American bedroom? What if no one ever taught you how to greet white people and make them comfortable? What if, despite these deficiencies, you no longer possess an immigrant’s dutiful forbearance for a secondary position in the American narrative and want to be a player in the scrimmage of American appetite right now, in the present? How do you undo eighteen years of a Chinese upbringing?"

"If you are a woman who isn’t beautiful, it is a social reality that you will have to work twice as hard to hold anyone’s attention. You can either linger on the unfairness of this or you can get with the program. If you are an Asian person who holds himself proudly aloof, nobody will respect that, or find it intriguing, or wonder if that challenging façade hides someone worth getting to know. They will simply write you off as someone not worth the trouble of talking to."

Gifts for the Broken-Hearted

2011-05-19T09:17:00.001-07:00

In my Creative Non Fiction class my teacher posted this story from the New York Times. We always read great stuff in her class, but I felt this one applied to a lot of people that I know. My teacher asked us if we pictured ourselves writing pieces like this. We all nodded in a fury, and we were inspired to write. God, I want to marry this woman.

MODERN LOVE: "Gifts for the Broken-Hearted"
By LEAH HANES
Published: October 15, 2010

The Obama volunteer coordinator assigned to find me a canvassing partner walked me toward a busload of elderly people. She must have noticed my dismay, because suddenly she veered left toward a smaller group of mostly male twentysomethings from Brooklyn. The day began looking up.

I’d hit bottom weeks earlier, just as the Alaska governor came on the national election scene. The positive momentum from my summer Himalaya trek had faded, along with all interest in a job search; I was in no condition to interview for — let alone start — a new job. I finally copped to depression.

It was all too much; I felt I’d lost everything. The shock of my only child’s sudden death 19 months earlier at age 6 had worn off, the distractions I’d used to keep the full horror at bay finally gone. And while the losses that followed — my 17-year marriage, our “dream house,” my job, several friends — were comparatively minor, collectively it was devastating. Our two cats must have agreed, as they both died, too.

I weighed the options: Succumb to despair, or pick myself up and deal. I decided to make Prozac’s acquaintance and get on with it.

And thus found myself — a 41-year-old childless mother and unemployed marketing executive — at the Obama volunteer center in Allentown, Pa., in late September, paired with blue-eyed, 28-year-old Manuel. He had a shaved head, wrestler’s build, a California surfer vibe and a peanut butter sandwich he tried to shove into his back pocket as we set out.

Amused, I said, “Give me that,” and placed it in my handbag.

Canvassing proved both inspiring and tedious. With Manuel, though, I almost felt normal. He asked questions I surprised myself by answering. Refreshingly, he was neither horrified nor struck speechless by my loss.

Later, as his crew was leaving, we made noise about getting together in the city sometime. As is the way, we connected on Facebook.

In the following weeks I obsessively followed the election, my own heart’s need for hope tied to the outcome. I looked for Manuel in Allentown on Election Day, where I’d returned to help get out the vote, but he was in California, and we shared an electronic high-five.

We finally made plans to meet for dinner in early December. Given my age, I wasn’t sure if he saw this as a date. Nevertheless, I was ready. Beyond careful grooming, a discreetly packed contact lens case and condoms, I’d told my housemate I might not be home.

Manuel came zipping down the street on his bike a few minutes late, and we awkwardly hugged. His head was still shaved, but he’d grown a goatee. He was adorable.

Dinner, however, was a bust. I hated the food, and his surfer vibe had me wondering if he was stoned (he wasn’t). Sensing the direction of things, he suddenly turned — “Hey, you heard of Rao’s?”

The legendary, impossible-to-get-into Italian restaurant in East Harlem? “Yes.”

“I hear you can just walk in, sit at the bar, have a drink. Want to go?”

I was intrigued but began losing my nerve when we arrived, put off by the black cars idling outside. It was a club. We weren’t members. Manuel leaned in — “It’s just like knocking on doors in Allentown. Come on — yes we can!”

And we did. Sometime during our second round, I thought how nice it would be to touch him, when suddenly my arm was on top of his. Shocked at myself, I leaned forward to apologize when he kissed me — and didn’t stop until the bouncer hissed, “Hey, knock it off!”

Startled, we paid and left.

By midnight, we’d already spent an hour canoodling in the dark corner of a salsa bar, and another hour rolling around half-naked on his building’s roof, Metro-North trains rumbling a few blocks away. I had no idea if I’d ever see him again, and inhaled every minute of the most uninhibited fun I’d had in years.

When we finally reached his apartment, I realized what I’d missed by marrying at 23. His bedroom was one of those only-in-New-York creations carved out of the living room — no windows, walls that didn’t reach the ceiling. Looking for a safe space to lay my pearl necklace and earrings, I knew I was a long way from my former five-bedroom colonial in the suburbs.

The morning was only slightly awkward. We were both exhausted and hung over, and he was kind enough to let me sleep while he went to work. Emerging from the Harlem town house into the bright sunshine later that morning, passing the neighborhood guys on the stoop, I felt every bit the lioness returning victorious from the hunt as I lazily made my way back to New Jersey.

By then I’d decided that taking care of myself and finding a way to live with my child’s death had become my full-time job: therapy, yoga, meditation and Prozac were the tools of the trade. Manuel was a different modality entirely. I must have done something for him too — he asked me out again.

We settled into a routine, getting together about every two weeks. We told each other it wasn’t serious or exclusive, so we didn’t talk or e-mail much in-between. But together, we made up for lost time. I surprised him on our second date with scarves and honey; my 42nd birthday included live jazz, drag queens, a demonstration of his rapping skills in the middle of Houston Street, and some late-night, creative role play. It was my best birthday ever.

In late January, the night before the second anniversary of my son’s death, he lighted candles and invited me to say whatever needed saying. He understood loss; his mother had died when he was 14 months old. No one had ever opened himself up in quite this way to hearing my pain. It was one of his greatest gifts.

My heart broke more cruelly and deeply than I thought possible the day my son died. I worried that maybe I shouldn’t be playing this game with a heart that would never quite heal. But this I now know: People we love come, and they frequently go. What matters is staying open: to possibility, to connection, to hope.

I didn’t think I was risking much. I knew he was casually dating, and theoretically I was, too. But being with him brought me so much joy, and online dating was such a drag, that I put little effort into looking elsewhere.

Two months in I felt a shift — he was less open. A month later, when he told me he’d slept with someone else, I went cold. He said he still wanted to see me but couldn’t be monogamous. I struggled, intellect versus emotion. Did I want to marry him? No. So who cares? But I did. And in the morning I broke it off.

For only the first time. Over the next year we moved in and out of each other’s lives and beds, renegotiating terms to work for a late-20s guy in an “exploratory” phase and fortysomething, monogamously inclined me.

This past Valentine’s Day we went away, both of us acknowledging the danger and mixed signals of a country B & B, whirlpool tub and Champagne in bed. We’d slowed down — our connection had mellowed, deepened. He hadn’t promised not to date others, but he wasn’t. A few days later, I caught myself thinking I wanted my family to meet him.

Damn. I’d fallen in love.

And took the chance. I told him I was open to bridging the age gap, seeing if we could work. It’d be challenging, but I had feelings for him and finally decided I was game.

But he wasn’t. I know my age was a factor, which hurt, but you can’t talk someone into wanting to be with you. When I ended it again, to save my heart, it was his turn to be surprised by the depth of his feelings — he’d also gotten more attached than intended, though not enough to change his mind.

My son’s friends are 10 now. A day rarely passes when I don’t feel the pain of a child who will always be 6, of motherhood in the past, of bedtime stories read by another while I worked late. No more time, no second chances. I’m still working through my losses, even in my dreams. Almost four years later, I know the pain doesn’t get better. I just learn, day by day, year by year, to live with it.

A month after our Valentine’s breakup, 18 months after knocking on Allentown’s doors, Manuel announced he was moving west for school. Knowing he’d soon be out of temptation’s way, I reignited our “thing.” This time, no regrets.

Maybe because we knew the outcome, knew we’d be re-dressing our wounds one last time, we finally let down our guard. I told him I loved him. He admitted he loved me, too.

And then I let him go.

Once he left I realized the other gift he’d given me — even in my sorrow, I still had the hope he’d helped me find.

Leah Hanes lives in Jersey City and is working on a memoir.

The Insomnia Trials

2011-05-16T12:55:00.000-07:00

I was in the bay this weekend for my brother's graduation. Whenever I stay at my mom's house, I have at least one bout of retarded insomnia, and it drives me CRAZY! You would think that falling asleep drunk would assure a sweet somber, but instead I wake up at 3am, and my brain has called upon a list of issues to discuss.

It wants to talk about my love life, my insecurities, anxieties, and will even want to discuss the events of the day. It will give me an instant replay of everything that has gone wrong for all my life, with some random songs on the brain playlist. Last night the brain's song of choice was Lady Gaga's Judas and Eminem's Lose Yourself. So random right?

Sometimes my Insomnia actually imitates a google reader. If I close my eyes and organize my thoughts, I will see the google reader going down all the issues of the moment. Yes, I realize that this all sounds really insane. I have no idea why there is a google reader in my brain, but what the hell, there is a google reader in my brain!

I try not to scream as I see the sunrise. I had yet again wasted four hours of laying in my bed trying to get my brain to shut up, so that I can sleep. I shut my eyes as my parents are getting up to go to work, and I realize where my habit of slamming everything comes from. I come from the loudest family on earth. We slam everything from the cabinets, the dishes, to the air.

Finally, I see black. I wake up an hour later feeling like I had the worst night on earth. This week I'm dedicated to having a better sleep schedule, and I'm ordering a free 7 day trial for Lunesta. I can't do this shit anymore.

The Stupid Writer

2011-05-13T10:40:00.001-07:00

Every time I go to my comic writing class, I get this same exact feeling. I'm basically the kid at the adult dinner table, getting lost in the baby boomer jokes. My teacher finds everything that I love unfunny.

There is this scene in the movie My Girl, where the main character Vada signs up for a writing class to get closer to her hot teacher. The class is an adult writing class, and they have to read their poems for everyone. Everyone read their adult angst ridden poems, and an eleven year old Vada reads her very poignant poem about how much she likes ice cream.

My teacher has this funny way of work shopping. Although, he welcomes the class to chime in, you are basically reading your work for his judgement. Facing his critiques of our work is like being at the receiving end of a dodge ball game. I usually hold my breath till it's done, and I'm relieved that it's over.

I'm scratching at the inner lining of brain to figure out, what the hell makes this guy laugh? I thought that I was sarcastic, but apparently there is a deeper and smarter sarcasm, that adults find to be funnier

He hates my use of punctuation, and sloppy sentence structure. I kick myself in the ass, because my exposure to literary greatness for the past five years have been celebrity blogs. I always leave that class not feeling well read or up to par. I somehow put together something funny for the class to laugh at, but I assume that is the result of being a gen x'er. We know how to bullshit, and we can put together bullshit very quickly.

One of my classmates, who is also a teacher through the extension program, asked me who my favorite comic writer is. I can't say Micheal K from Dlisted, because I'll look like a moron. I don't mind looking like a moron for my blog readers, but in this very prestigious class I need to be a smartie like everyone else!

I used to love to read. I would stay up all night to finish a book, but in my adult years I have not picked up those kinds of books. I don't finish them and they are not smart enough. It's brought some attention to things I need to work on. I would love to join writing circles and reference this book and that book, and that amazing author and dismiss another author, bla bla bla, I'm smart, I'm smart, I'm smart!

In this process of taking all these classes, I'm figuring out what kind of writer I am. Right now I'm drawn to creative non fiction, and satire is not my forte.

The other night I asked a classmate, "What the hell is a hyperbowl?"

I pounded my head as soon as I got home. What I meant to say was, "What the hell is a hiperbole?"

No Facebook Day 37

2011-05-10T20:36:00.000-07:00

The Hunt for the Impossible Jordan

2011-05-09T10:19:00.000-07:00

I've been chasing a ghost ever since I was thirteen.

I'm sure when I meet him in heaven this is exactly what he's going to to do to me. He's going to put me in a headlock, and say, "You silly girl why have you been sad?"

I ran into this picture while I was in the Philippines. I didn't realize that my cousin had a penchant for Air Jordans just like me.

Well, I thought that these Air Jordans were the Retro 3 black cements, which are being re released this September. However, when I looked closer at the shoes, they don't seem to have the cement design on the top.

So I extra nerded out, and I researched the history of Air Jordans, and which styles were release at around 1989-1992. I've concluded through my research that my cousin is actually wearing the Air Jordan Collezione 19/4. These were released in 1989, which around the time that this picture was taken.

It breaks my heart, because these are even more unattainable than the black cements. I've actually sat with myself and asked why am I so obsessed with these shoes. I guess it allows me to have another part of him with me. I know they are just shoes, so this is not an indication of some deep psychological/grieving issues. Well, haha maybe.

It's a conquest that's both fun and sentimental. To find these shoes is hard enough, and to actually get them in my Kid size will be even harder. I welcome yet loathe the challenge. Oh did I mention that these are freakin expensive? Ha!

In the meantime I settled of some other Jordans just to tie me over, which are the Wolf Grey Air Jordan Retro 5's. I realize that this whole Air Jordan thing is kinda expensive. My brother raises fish, and I hunt for clothes. Whatever, same difference they are both expensive.

The other night a woman took a picture of my Air Jordan 3 White Cement Spizikes, with my Shoeture laces, and it validated my superficial obsession. I get hella love from bouncers for my choices in kicks. They get jealous that their feet are not as small, LOL. The price cut from adult sizes to kids sizes are not that much.

Oh man I wish I was in love with a cheaper shoe.

Being in Class with a Hedonist

2011-05-04T21:55:00.000-07:00

Whenever I'm in class, I'm elated to be there. I'm eager to read, write, and give feedback to anyone that asks for it. I'm not sure if my classmates are annoyed by my energy, but they have no idea how ecstactic I am to be there with them. I love being transformed into their worlds, and into their vivid stories. I can't stop talking, and praising their work, while being absolutely and deliberate with my feedback. Every word that comes out of my teacher's mouth, becomes absorbed into my brain like a sponge. I like being a sponge.

The Three Questions I Ask Myself Everyday

2011-05-03T16:21:00.001-07:00

1. Will I survive?

2. Will I exceed?

3. Will I be happy?

All three are very selfish questions. But hey, it's just me.

Deleting = #WINNING

2011-05-02T15:52:00.001-07:00

Today I deleted every single chat I've ever had in gmail. It was cathartic and necessary.

P.S. I love this song, but the video is stupid. Close your eyes when you listen to this.

No Facebook Day 28

2011-05-01T16:56:00.000-07:00

There are days I'm so emo I belong in a band, stupid hair and all.

Then there are other days I'm driving around in LA, and I'm getting the best sunshine I've ever had. In the time that I've lived here, I've had a wealth of really great life experiences, and profound realizations.

I'm proud of myself for not being afraid to change.

In San Francisco, I was a shell of myself, and didn't know how to make my next move. I knew I wanted to see myself differently, and it took some crazy things to happen in order for me to be solid again.

I was also gifted with great opportunities. I'm in school and I'm happy. I'm writing and I'm working all the time to get to my next goal.

People have asked me if I am going to date while I'm in LA. With me you never really know what's going to happen. I'd like to think of myself as a walking surprise in a box.

Truth be told, I'm just not in the mind state to share my life with someone right now. Or to even initiate it. I feel like I need at least a couple of months, maybe six, to just get my priorities back in order again. Who am I without a man? Well, I'm pretty awesome sometimes, and incredibly more driven.

The priorities are in order, more than ever before. My parents always ask me to move back home, but I'm just not done being a vagabond yet. I have a couple of more months before I figure out where I'm going to go next.

Life is good. It's due to change, but right now it's good.

No Facebook Day 22

2011-04-25T15:03:00.000-07:00

A good friend of mine just had a baby yesterday. I was tempted to reactivate my facebook so that I can see all of her pictures of the baby, but I didn't. It's another one of those habits that I need to break, of only knowing about people's on the internet. I'm forced to be a more proactive friend, and actually ask a person how they are doing, instead of passively knowing through facebook.

I'm very happy for her. She is realizing her dream of being a mother, and I can't wait to smoosh his face Filipino Auntie style.

Yippee!

2011-04-21T10:16:00.001-07:00

For the first time in my life, I've been asked to be a contributing writer. Kinda excited.

No Facebook Day 17

2011-04-20T10:20:00.000-07:00

Day 16 No Facebook

2011-04-19T11:01:00.000-07:00

I'm not sleeping well this week. 4-5 hours usually. I spent most of my day yesterday studying for the GRE. Just with that alone, my brain works overtime. I did my best with my 24 hours to remember fractions, decimals, integers, and vocab. Do you know what the word assuage means? It's means to soothe. Yes, in 24 hours that is probably the only word that I know. My roommate and I stayed up till 3:30AM to watch Mad Men. That probably added the extra turns in my brain before I went to sleep. I'm in the phase where I'm thinking about exit plan from unemployment. My mind is constantly occupied with the future, leaving me fucking restless.

Day 15 No Facebook

2011-04-18T10:54:00.003-07:00

Last week I didn't have any withdrawals. It's just weird when I'm out and about, and my usual reflex is to check my phone. However, I'm feeling pleasant and present! It was a blessing to do this. It's provided some extra attention to things that matter, and I'm thankful. I saw a picture of Mark Zuckerburg the other day, and I wanted to punch it. I feel like he found a way to get the world under a cyber spell. I hate him.

Write Like a Motherfucker

2011-04-13T18:09:00.000-07:00

As I sort through my emo bullshit, I find any reason to just be a miserable misanthrope.

Misanthrope is my favorite GRE word of the day btw. Moving along.

I took a break from studying, and I came across this really great article today via I, Mami. I've never read this advice column before, but it's been getting a lot of feedback and response from readers.

A woman writer and her most vulnerable, asks the questions that many writers ask in some form, am I going to be okay by choosing to be a writer? My content sucks, I'm this and that, my vocabulary is not up to par, I have too much going on, I'm depressed, I haven't read enough novels, no one loves me, I hate this, etc.

Sugar the columnist tell Elissa, the depressed writer, "If you had a two-sided chalkboard in your living room I’d write humility on one side and surrender on the other for you. "

I don't know if animals have ego. They probably don't, but humans seem to dig their asses in it. Writers find every angle of every emotion to understand, so that they can capture it for their readers. I'm navigating through my days of understanding what I have instead of what I don't. It's a tricky thing to do, if you are already emo.

Everything happens for the reasons that you want them to. It's not your fate for bad or good things to happen to you, but it's your responsibility as a human to pay attention to the events that make your life. This is the most un-Catholic thing I've ever said, but whatever.

Read the whole article. It touched upon my heartstrings, and I'm taking the advice to "Write like a motherfucker."

Day 10 No Facebook

2011-04-13T17:00:00.000-07:00

Right now I am Ursala, the Black Swan, the Grinch that Stole Christmas, your crabby neighbor next door, Ebeneezer Scrooge, your #1 hater, the jerk that cuts you off on the road, and miss Mrs. no fun.

This has not been a week of awesome. I'm working on it RWARR!

More Photos From Death of a Player Photoshoot

2011-04-13T16:42:00.000-07:00

Photo by: Kelly Kalagayan

Hair and Makeup by: Kat Paule
Photo by: Kelly Kalagayan
Photo by: Ann Borja
Photo by: Kelly Kalagayan
Photo by: Ann Borja

Mission Statement

“PMS Through Art/Pinays Maintaining Sisterhood Through Art” strives to enhance public perceptions of FilAm women’s capacities to lead, change biases against FilAm women’s abilities and serve as an open dialogue among Filipinas of all ages. PMSTA brings up themes that will shine truth that all women are connected and are not alone on their personal journeys here in America. PMSTA aims to inspire women with the courage to break free from the chains of limiting belief patterns and societal conditioning that have traditionally kept women suppressed and unable to see their true beauty and power.

For more info: http://pmsta.wordpress.com/about/

Death of a Player

2011-04-13T16:38:00.001-07:00

Please support out kick off fundraiser in SF
Passion Café on Thursday, April 14th from 7-9PM.

For more info visit: http://pmsta.wordpress.com/