How I managed getting what I wanted.

What was it like to finally get what I wanted? First of all, it was hard. The happiness of achieving a goal was mind blowing, but graduate school doesn't validate anything except that you need to work harder.  I've never been so emotionally drained in trying to keep up with everything. I was managing my life in school after a seven year absence, while embarking in a new long distanced relationship, then appearing for family and friend's life events, and maintaining and creating meaningful relationship with my new cohorts and teachers. I endured the year hoping to fly back to Los Angeles and embark into hedonism that I first experienced when I first moved here .

Wrong.

The act of maintaining continued and it worked me all summer long.  Los Angeles was a launching pad into my dreams, and every day of this summer I was so stressed about everything and anything. Nothing is ever balanced when you are obsessed with succeeding, but god damn it- I really thought I could part the river the summer. I did it without really having a place to live and it fucked me up royally.

Now I am at the end of the summer about to start my second year of grad school, and I've learned that I don't need to catch up with anything- I need to just be. It's easier said than done and being present in the moment is something that I'm not good at doing. I've lived a million different lives in my mind- sometimes through other people. Mostly I've lived a millions lives as a different version of myself. I will never accept the current version of myself. I always have to be better- but why?

I should never stop preparing for the next moment of excellence, but the current version of Christina is operating the campaign, and I should treat it with more respect.  Today I accept that not everything I'm doing will be perfectly managed equally.  I move forward tomorrow still giving myself the opportunity to learn.