Yesterday, was my second film shoot ever. I prepared my ass off to write, produce, and direct this simple six page horror script. I got home at around midnight, slept at 1:00, and I woke up a few hours later in tears. I haven't gone back to sleep yet.
I don't have my people with me, the ones that have known me for the past decade or beyond, and just know what I need. I have to convince fairly new friends and colleagues to trust my vision. I didn't achieve that today.
By no means am I a Svengali, and I never aim to be, but I had this revelation with my partner the other day, and I haven't been able to shake it. I told him I feel like I've been chasing power all of my life, and I never really have it.
Except. When I'm making my art. In these moments, I forget all of the negative energy that holds me back and I create a "symphony."
Whether it's been with writing, dance, or directing I just know in my gut when I have the symphony. I know when I created the piece that defines my creed, desires, and being. I think with this particular production I just worked on, I was hoping for that moment, but it fell flat.
Each venture is practice for something greater if you learn from it. Three hours later from since I woke up, I'm still collecting my data. I have to remember that it was absolutely to my benefit to be this far away from the familiar to work on my craft. Without distraction and interruption, I often have the best learning stride. Although I miss home terribly. I just need to be patient. I'll be able to communicate my vision better soon. It'll take more practice.