Saturday, June 14, 2014

Birthday 2014

Saturday, May 24, 2014

I'm pretty amazed at how much I didn't blog during the two years that I was here.  I thought I knew who I was before I got here.  Perhaps I just sketched the blueprint. One thing I know for sure is that I love writing. I truly love it.  I loved it before I came here and I love it more now. I had so much to learn and I'm grateful that I wasn't so self righteous in the process. But if I must be transparent- I will say that emotionally I have aged tremendously. To the naysayers and haters in the world, a MFA program is not a cute little two year writing workshop. I had the loveliest cohort, but to surrender your pride and soul to workshop and take criticism everyday is a beautifully painful thing.

I'm in the last quarter of my graduate program. My field of study is in one of most competitive and stressful industries known to most and conquered by few. I'm in the field of screenwriting, television writing, and playwriting. A part of me is eager to get out there and work, but I'm also anxious and depressed as I prepare for the level of ego degrading experiences ahead of me. There has never been an easy route to any success of my life. This next phase will not be any different. Even at looking at this blog, I realize that I have gotten rid of many of the superficial things that I used to love so much.

At this moment, as I approach the last month before graduation. I am so tired, exhausted, drained .... done. I am done with this journey. I don't even have an escape plan in mind. I'm just done.  I don't want my work to be under the watchful eyes of teachers anymore or the snap judgements of what it is I'm trying to write. Yes, I know it comes with the trade, but for at least two months after graduation I just want to write prose and build again.

Some great things I'd like to share. I wrote a full length play that became my thesis.  It had so many struggles that even my grade my deducted for it. After a million meltdowns which included no eating or sleeping for a time, I finally created an opus- an ode to the pain that I experienced before this journey began. It's etched in the dialogue. It's layered in the characters. I'm showing it to you but you can't see it. Booyakasha is all I can say. I wrote a play bitch.

I'm attending two amazing conferences this summer. One of them being the Sewanee Writers Conference and the other being the Long Beach Digital Edutainment Conference. Again, Booyakasha.

I'm happy.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

What To Value When You Have To Do It Alone?

She asked me, "How was your undergrad experience?" The mental health expert looks across to me and awaits my answer. Up until this question I was fidgeting, guarded, and shut down. But then- I light up and say, "It was great. The best time of my life." I remember the feeling clearly.  It was as if for a moment I was experiencing youth again. Gone were the expectations to be the super writer/gradstudent/girlfriend/friend/daughter/etc. or the anxiety of what if I'm going to be fucking poor and desperate in four months. I genuinely remembered a moment of my life where I was having a great time. Maybe in ten years I will remember these moments of being alone and maybe I will crave them. These two years of writing and crafting will mean something, and this really concise but intense time of my life will be a distant memory.  I'm  trying to appease people whom I may never see again.

Ying Out.

Monday, January 6, 2014

New Year 2014: What it means to a bootch like me.

I'm waiting in yet another line at Chicago Midway airport during one of the coldest days of the year.

I thought I was smart in not traveling with my winter jacket because of the bulk, but I was actually stupid. I'm shivering in baggage claim in my Northwestern hoodie and eggplant pants. They lost my luggage in the Chicago Midway Airport. My good friend lets me borrow her eggplant colored jacket for the way home so I don't get hypothermia. I am the spitting image of Grimace . 

I finally shuffle into my Evanston apartment, and I plop my tired head onto my couch after 12 hours of layovers and lines at three different airports. As my face buries into my pillow the first question I ask is, whew, where has my life gone? Hella dramatic, I know. But foreal- Am I doing life? Living life? Being life? What the fuck is life about !?! 

Some time ago I read an interview that Lena Dunham did with Mindy Kaling , and it had me on the floor laughing. When asked about what she would like her legacy to be,  Mindy Kaling said, 
"She threw the most amazing parties and she had the most gorgeous and cheerful husband. Gay teenagers would dress up as her for Halloween. She seemed to have read every book, yet no one ever saw her reading. She had the appetite of an Olympic swimmer and the physique of an Olympic figure skater. She dressed like Chloƫ Sevigny and could fuck for hours. . ."
When I read those words .... I was like - me too.

Why am I not throwing great parties?! No gay teen is going to want to dress like me if I look like grimace. How are they going to emulate an icon that spends most her days in sweats! Things are happening, they've always been happening, but I'm not content with the present state of things and I am eager to have my vibrancy back.

I really, really, really want to recharge. And not in that superficial neo/pretentious/hippie/new age type of way. It's the start of the new year and of course my eyes are being raped with everyone's fucking resolutions and inspirational quotes.  I would love to start the year with a new version of myself, but as this ole girl has learned, you change with the times as the times will allow.

Here are just a few I'd like to just hold to my heart, so that I can recharge mentally.

1. The age deterrent: I'm not longer going to use my age as a means to justify anything or to even start a conversation. I'm seeing a lot of women my age do this and it's annoying. "Oh I'm almost 30 ... so I should do A, B, and C before babies..." Nope. My age will no longer determine the value of my worth, intelligence, looks, or reproductive organs.

2. Read a form of literature for pleasure: I'm told that six minutes of this will increase happiness substantially. So yes I need to read a fucking book. I used to love them. What happened?

3. Not eat like 13 year old boy: If I could do this for at least winter, I'll aiming for a less than craptastic body before summer.

4. Finish Shit: Like one thing at a time. I am notorious for having at least twenty tabs open, because I'm doing everything and finishing nothing. I've been functioning this way for the past five years and I'm morphing into an ADD kid that can't pay attention to anything.

5. Put it Down: I have an unhealthy relationship with my phone. I think I'm helping with managing time, but I'm not really managing shit. I'm looking at people's fly ass fashion, lives, thoughts, and food while I'm in my sweats procrastinating on work.

6. Envision and Plan: I need to make time out of my day to envision and plan for what it is that I truly want. My needs and aspirations are horribly short term, because of the things that I need to do for school. It will help me gain a healthy perspective of my life and the goals attached to them.

These are just some first week of New Year goals that I'd like to tackle, in addition to my quest to help humanity and all of its flaws.

Happy New Year everyone.

Monday, August 26, 2013

How I managed getting what I wanted.

What was it like to finally get what I wanted? First of all, it was hard. The happiness of achieving a goal was mind blowing, but graduate school doesn't validate anything except that you need to work harder.  I've never been so emotionally drained in trying to keep up with everything. I was managing my life in school after a seven year absence, while embarking in a new long distanced relationship, then appearing for family and friend's life events, and maintaining and creating meaningful relationship with my new cohorts and teachers. I endured the year hoping to fly back to Los Angeles and embark into hedonism that I first experienced when I first moved here .


The act of maintaining continued and it worked me all summer long.  Los Angeles was a launching pad into my dreams, and every day of this summer I was so stressed about everything and anything. Nothing is ever balanced when you are obsessed with succeeding, but god damn it- I really thought I could part the river the summer. I did it without really having a place to live and it fucked me up royally.

Now I am at the end of the summer about to start my second year of grad school, and I've learned that I don't need to catch up with anything- I need to just be. It's easier said than done and being present in the moment is something that I'm not good at doing. I've lived a million different lives in my mind- sometimes through other people. Mostly I've lived a millions lives as a different version of myself. I will never accept the current version of myself. I always have to be better- but why?

I should never stop preparing for the next moment of excellence, but the current version of Christina is operating the campaign, and I should treat it with more respect.  Today I accept that not everything I'm doing will be perfectly managed equally.  I move forward tomorrow still giving myself the opportunity to learn. 

Monday, February 18, 2013


They say that you can't always have what you want, at the time that you want it.  This is not the same for art. In art, you can have exactly what you want, at exactly the time that you want it. All you need is enough passion, preparation, and vision. Yesterday, was my second film shoot ever. I prepared my ass off to write, produce, and direct this simple six page horror script. I got home at around midnight, slept at 1:00,  and I woke up a few hours later in tears.  I haven't gone back to sleep yet. I don't have my people with me, the ones that have known me for the past decade or beyond, and just know what I need.  I have to convince fairly new friends and colleagues to trust my vision.  I didn't achieve  that today.

By no means am I a Svengali, and I never aim to be, but I had this revelation with my partner the other day, and I haven't been able to shake it.  I told him I feel like I've been chasing power all of my life, and I never really have it.  Except. When I'm making my art.  In these moments,  I forget all of the negative energy that holds me back and I create a "symphony." Whether it's been with writing, dance, or directing I just know in my gut when I have the symphony. I know when I created the piece that defines my creed, desires, and being.  I think with this particular production I just worked on,  I was hoping for that moment, but it fell flat.

Each venture is practice for something greater if you learn from it. Three hours later from since I woke up, I'm still collecting my data.  I have to remember that it was absolutely to my benefit to be this far away from the familiar to work on my craft. Without distraction and interruption,  I often have the best learning stride. Although I miss home terribly. I just need to be patient.  I'll be able to communicate my vision better soon. It'll take more practice. 

Friday, February 1, 2013

Grad School Life: Winter Addition

So gone are the days of being a glamourpuss.

This winter quarter has been super kicking my ass.  It just started off all bad....

I came back to school with a kidney stone. If you've never pass one, just imagine someone stabbing you from the inside. I got it removed, but there were a lot of complications.  The nurses told me the pain of a kidney stone is worse than a childbirth.

Send me a baby. I'm ready mofo.

I'm in the playwriting phase of my program, which has taken me into dark places. My professor is a provocateur and a darling in the playwriting world. His class has definitely has encouraged me to go as dark as I've imagined. The snow and the short winter days have given me horror movie thoughts. Man, just looking at my face in this pic is so telling. I've started to worry about my mental health as well as my physical being. I hope I don't have a Jack Nicholson moment a la The Shining.  I've spent the morning committing to more solution based thoughts.  Finishing this program is a monumental accomplishment, but I need to find happiness while I'm here. I want to enjoy the limited time I have here.

Sharing is Caring

Today I was reading tweets from a blogger whom I absolutely LOVE,  and I was ready to jump after her after she threatened to commit blog suicide. This word "over sharing" has been used a lot lately when it comes to bloggers and social media, but hello, everyone is doing it. Whether is snarky thoughts about your bitch room mate, complaining about your coffee, 500 pics of your dog, twenty videos of your baby,  I've accepted that if I have access to you online. I'm going to know it all.  Give it to me. I need another baby video.

I've actually had the opposite problem of not having shit to share on my blog.  Maybe on the real,  I'm gun shy for the vary reason my girl wants to commit blog suicide.  The down side of the internet is that everyone is a fucking expert. As fly as I am, an off color comment will send me scarfing four rows on oreos. I love blogs! Political blogs, mommy blogs, celebrity blogs, cat blogs. Give me MORE. I love all of the endless info. Who knows if I'll have kids,  but reading homegirl's mom blog was insightful, because she's trying to be a writer as well as raising a family. Sigh, I can't jump after her. C'est la vie.

If any of you have learned something about my dumb ass life that put things into perspective, we must be like minded and fab. Blogging is an edited moment, thought, and it will fly away in people's minds until they read something else that catches their attention. I just don't have the attention to write about my boring ass life, but I want to try harder. I need to relieve the load that chatters in my brain.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Oh Hello

I've been a little light on the posting this year.  I wish I could say I had good reason for it, but I have nothing to say. I can't be a beauty or fashion blogger right now. I'm too broke to buy clothes, and being back in college mode has not created the best fashion choices. Basically the world is not allowed to see me right now. I'm a hot ass mess.

If I make to class with matching clothes and a little bit of makeup,  then my day has been awesome!

As mentioned in previous posts, I've been writing my ass off. I wrote, directed, and edited a short film, which was something I never thought I would do. Although I have an Ethnic Studies thesis in my mind,  for every moment that I'm misunderstood in my program, I try to flip so that I don't take the experience for granted.

I keep reminding myself that I'm creating characters that I need to be seen on the screen, the losers who are dying to be champions, and the misfits who are unaware of the glory ahead of them.

I just keep reminding myself that Tarantino wrote the first draft of Reservoir Dogs in three weeks. The key word in this sentence is "draft," which means you gotta just get it done before it can be gold.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Mastering the Skill

Jiro Dreams of Sushi
When I was a young kid, writing and dancing were my skills.  To clarify, they were not my passions they were my skills.

I used to think that dancing was my stronger skill, because it was the first to become a passion. I spent a number of years training and obsessing, and eventually it killed my spirit. Sadly, I no longer dance.

Fast forward to the present. I'm here mastering another skill turned passion. Although I am afraid I will reach the same plateau that I did in dancing, the possibility of mastering this skill is substantially more tangible.

Unlike dancing, it is okay for me to access a dark and sad part of my mind. This part of me does not sabotage my writing like it did with dancing.

I'm grateful for the years that I was lost and weary, the loves that broke my heart, and the interesting childhood happenings that weighed down my mind. It was all fueling something bigger in my life, and I wasn't ready for it until now.

I love my graduate program right now. My class is amazingly talented and down to earth. I love hanging out with them and talking about ideas. Nothing ever seems too crazy or too strange, and I love that we all help each other in making it work. I don't know if I'll ever get this camaraderie at writing table for a T.V show, movie, or whatever I decide to do after this. I'm doing my best to stay present and enjoy the time, and dedicating my life to mastering my skill.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Chi-Town: Story Begins

Jesus.... I can't believe a month passed by so quickly!

So as soon as I wrote that entry I got a job as  production assistant in Los Angeles for a film, which pretty much took up all of my time for the last month I was in Los Angeles.  It was a job that was jam packed and full of to-dos from start to finish. Sadly, there was no looking pretty or inspiring make up posts to share. I've been on autopilot for the past five weeks.

Then, I'm in Chicago. Correction, Evanston, IL.

You know those scenes in movies where planes are passing over a the protagonist? They are dreaming and then the plane sounds wake them sudden and their eyes open. Well my eyes opened this morning in another state all by myself.  The first thing I looked at was the floor, filled with all my clothes, shoes, and what nots. It was assuring that I had a purpose for today, and not obsess over the fact that for a couple of days, hopefully less, I will be completely alone.

Prior to this morning, I was very loved by friends, family, and him.

Last night I said good bye to the very handsome man who helped me get here. I focused on his white t-shirt as he walked toward security check, and I couldn't fight the tears gushed through my eyeballs.  As I stomped away from the terminal to the CTA, and I focused fiercely on myself and remembering to be brave and positive.

Now, it's time to write.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

One More Month To Go: Pep Talk

I have one month before I leave for Chicago.  If I sit still long enough I start to shiver. What if this is a fluke? Maybe I'm not ready for grad school, I'm not a writer,  and Northwestern is going to send me home as soon as they read my stuff.  How the fuck did I get into this prestigious college? Then in my head I slap myself in the face, shake my shoulders, and scream "Get it together Christina!"

You got your ass kicked, got up, and asked for help. With enough preparation, focus, and determination you took the proper steps that were needed to get into school. The last decade may seem a blur, but it nothing happened in vain.  Nothing about this is an accident. You are a creative, and you picked the right program. Soon, very soon, we will have to pack our things and leave Los Angeles.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

The Nail Diaries

Finances have been a little tight the past couple of months so, my bi-monthly splurge of gel manicure is dunzo.

If you take a look at the blue nail polish with my name ring, those are my hands in their greatest glory, perfectly gel manicured.

The ones on the top left are a slight cooler version of the lee press on nails, and I will admit Pussy Cat doll Nicole Scherzinger the spokes person, was the final sell for me >_< but sad to say they don't last long.

To satisfy my urge for fun nails on a budget, Sally Hansen Salon effects nail stickers have either been just as good as a gel manicure or a hot ass mess.

The blue leopard pictures lasted for ten days and the gold victorian print lasted for three. Tragedy!

However, they are the best alternative. if you follow the instructions exactly and put on a clear top coat.

If you get one of those cheap cuticle cutters from Walgreens, you're or step closer to feeling like a rich girl again with an expensive looking manicure :)

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Frank Ocean "Coming Out"

I've been having the strangest feelings since Frank Ocean "came out." I agree with the likes of many intellectuals that he is not the "gay rap artist" that the media has labeled him to be, but instead,  here is an amazing artist that has arrived at this present moment as his true self.

In terms of fully exploring and honoring the situation, only journalist Dream Hampton and NPR's Ann Powers have actually eloquent and thoughtful articles about Frank Ocean. Otherwise there have just been a lot of stupid assumptions about what his "coming out " means, and I even watched an episode of Chelsea Lately that made me want to kill a bitch, because of the things that were being said about him.

The whole thing just brings up weird feelings from the past.

I met my gay best friend in high school, and it was during a time where I was a basically a social pariah.  I was coming out of an abusive relationship, and I had spent most of my Freshman and Sophomore year in high school secluded and without friends.  And then I met him. Two peas in a pod. He came out to me in his car and I revealed to him that I was broken and needed repair. We arrived at that moment as our true selves. It was beautiful. 

So as all this media hoopla about Frank Ocean, has had me very maternal about the situation.  I don't want anyone to hurt him.  His life experience has added some of the beautiful layers that I've ever heard in music.

This one in particular, "Bad Religion," brought me to tears.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Tea Party

My pretty mom. 
For my 30th birthday I wanted to do something with all my girlfriends, and I knew that I wanted it to be a theme party.

Earlier this year I had wanted to do a big blow out in Vegas, but the closer that it go to my birthday I was over that idea. So I thought that a theme party would be both fun and chill.

I got this idea for a theme party from my cousin in Australia, who had thrown a roaring 20's theme party for her 21'st birthday, and I was so freaking jealous! Everyone at her party arrived so fabulous and they looked like they were having the time of their lives. 

I wanted to do something equally classy and fun.... then I thought... TEA PARTY! 

My mom has the perfect house and backyard for the event,  so I decided to have it there.  We set up her deck with tons of flowers and my best friend Ann brought all kinds of tea sets.  The day was so beautiful and sunny, and watching everyone arrive in their beautiful outfits ands, just made the experience awesome.  When one plans a high tea event, it's important to make the experience as regal, but as fun as possible.
The Butch didn't want to show up in a dress,
but she looked made fierce ;)

MUST wear fancy dress, hat, and gloves.  I was kind of a hard ass about the dress code, but my pushy Polly ways had everyone dressed amazing. I searched different blogs and images, and I sent them to my guests so that they had inspiration for what to wear. 

My outfit is thrifted, and I was able to borrow this fabulous hat from girl Joi who's a stylist in LA. I called my look "Sweating like a whore in church," for a its sort of jezebel meets high society inspiration :) 

Tips for throwing a Fabulous Tea Party:

1. Do you research: When I looked on the internet for ideas, I saw that people all around the world have their own interpretation of what a tea party is. It's up to you whether or not you want an exact copy of the English High Tea experience.

2. Don't be afraid of lavish decadence, because you can do it on a budget: Luckily my mom had some time to shop for some things, and she bought a lot of her serving plates at Marshalls.  My BFF's mom had tons of tea sets just waiting to be used

3. Invite ladies that you love and are willing to participate a 100%: A lot of us girls played tea party when we were young. I think most of us get so bogged down by every day life and for one day of the year, it's never too much to ask them to be a part of the pretend :) 

We were definitely NOT using Royal High Tea etiquette, but to see your homegirls cuss in fancy dresses is an experience in itself.

4. Keep the food and drink simple:  My has been to high tea before, so she pretty much knew what to do. Because high tea is in the middle of the day, it's good to keep the food light.  My mom made cucumber and egg sandwiches, with some mozzarella and tapenade  bruschetta.  She added some gazpacho as well, and it got great reviews!  Of course you need tea! But spiked tea is also awesome. My BFF makes this awesome cold sweet tea cocktail with tea, vodka, and agave. It keeps the party going, while remaining classy and fly at the same time.

5. Truly enjoy your company: Every single woman who attended, has been a part of a huge milestone of my life. I've been friends with most of them for over a decade now. All I kept saying to them was "This is the best day ever!!!!" Of course I was having flashbacks of myself as a little girl playing dress up, of being this exact age :)

Thanks to all my girls that truly made this day an awesome birthday :)