Don't Give Up. Work Harder.

A shitty hand dealt to me during Pasoy Dos, but I still played. 

I'm the taking the GRE today for the third time. The past two times have been god awful, and I spent a good hour after each test crying in my car.  Last time I cried so hard, I crouched in my driver's seat so that none of the arriving test takers could hear me. I didn't want to ruin their moral!

Well, who knows whether or not the car is going to stay dry this time, but today is different from the other tests.  My emotions are attached to this test still, but for a different reason. It doesn't matter if I get into an M.F.A program this year. As much as I really want it, I'm not going to be defeated if I don't get accepted into anything.

Aside for maybe a week or two of mourning, I know that the world doesn't stop or end with this outcome. The cards will fall where they fall. I will go back to the drawing board and figure out another way. If there is anything about the time that I've spent away from home, it's that I realized my goals. Not only did I realize my goals, but I figured out what my process is supposed to be.

All my life I've wanted to be a Tiger mom's wet dream. I wanted to wave my scholastic achievements to my naysayers and haters. My idea of achievement was very limited, and it was meant to please other people, and not myself.

Well fuck everyone. Seriously. Fuck everyone. As my mom would say, "It's just a fucking test Christina."

I think I've mentioned before that I hated the book, The Alchemist. I was so pissed at the ending, because it was such a let down.  As I think of protagonist's journey through all that endless desert, I was annoyed that he had wasted all of that time. He didn't get what he initially wanted, but it was about he journey, blah blah blah! That was five years ago when I read that book, and I finally understand what the story is about.

Our egos are so damaged when certain plans are not crystallized. Some people don't even try, because they are afraid to fail. I didn't realize that was I was so anxiety ridden when I was younger. Everything was black and white for me. It was either achieve or fail, and nothing in between was acceptable.

I don't know I've just taken a beating through the years, but I've surrendered. Working hard is working hard, no matter what program, what job, what city, or which ever environment I decide to be in.

I am the Alchemist, bitch.

Wherever the cards fall, none of it was a waste of time. After my test today. I'm going to continue to work hard, ask for help, and reassess if I need to. It's just a test. I'm just a human. I'll be fine.