Power.

They say that you can't always have what you want, at the time that you want it.  This is not the same for art. In art, you can have exactly what you want, at exactly the time that you want it. All you need is enough passion, preparation, and vision. Yesterday, was my second film shoot ever. I prepared my ass off to write, produce, and direct this simple six page horror script. I got home at around midnight, slept at 1:00,  and I woke up a few hours later in tears.  I haven't gone back to sleep yet. I don't have my people with me, the ones that have known me for the past decade or beyond, and just know what I need.  I have to convince fairly new friends and colleagues to trust my vision.  I didn't achieve  that today.

By no means am I a Svengali, and I never aim to be, but I had this revelation with my partner the other day, and I haven't been able to shake it.  I told him I feel like I've been chasing power all of my life, and I never really have it.  Except. When I'm making my art.  In these moments,  I forget all of the negative energy that holds me back and I create a "symphony." Whether it's been with writing, dance, or directing I just know in my gut when I have the symphony. I know when I created the piece that defines my creed, desires, and being.  I think with this particular production I just worked on,  I was hoping for that moment, but it fell flat.

Each venture is practice for something greater if you learn from it. Three hours later from since I woke up, I'm still collecting my data.  I have to remember that it was absolutely to my benefit to be this far away from the familiar to work on my craft. Without distraction and interruption,  I often have the best learning stride. Although I miss home terribly. I just need to be patient.  I'll be able to communicate my vision better soon. It'll take more practice. 

Grad School Life: Winter Addition

So gone are the days of being a glamourpuss.

This winter quarter has been super kicking my ass.  It just started off all bad....

I came back to school with a kidney stone. If you've never pass one, just imagine someone stabbing you from the inside. I got it removed, but there were a lot of complications.  The nurses told me the pain of a kidney stone is worse than a childbirth.

Send me a baby. I'm ready mofo.

I'm in the playwriting phase of my program, which has taken me into dark places. My professor is a provocateur and a darling in the playwriting world. His class has definitely has encouraged me to go as dark as I've imagined. The snow and the short winter days have given me horror movie thoughts. Man, just looking at my face in this pic is so telling. I've started to worry about my mental health as well as my physical being. I hope I don't have a Jack Nicholson moment a la The Shining.  I've spent the morning committing to more solution based thoughts.  Finishing this program is a monumental accomplishment, but I need to find happiness while I'm here. I want to enjoy the limited time I have here.

Sharing is Caring

Today I was reading tweets from a blogger whom I absolutely LOVE,  and I was ready to jump after her after she threatened to commit blog suicide. This word "over sharing" has been used a lot lately when it comes to bloggers and social media, but hello, everyone is doing it. Whether is snarky thoughts about your bitch room mate, complaining about your coffee, 500 pics of your dog, twenty videos of your baby,  I've accepted that if I have access to you online. I'm going to know it all.  Give it to me. I need another baby video.

I've actually had the opposite problem of not having shit to share on my blog.  Maybe on the real,  I'm gun shy for the vary reason my girl wants to commit blog suicide.  The down side of the internet is that everyone is a fucking expert. As fly as I am, an off color comment will send me scarfing four rows on oreos. I love blogs! Political blogs, mommy blogs, celebrity blogs, cat blogs. Give me MORE. I love all of the endless info. Who knows if I'll have kids,  but reading homegirl's mom blog was insightful, because she's trying to be a writer as well as raising a family. Sigh, I can't jump after her. C'est la vie.

If any of you have learned something about my dumb ass life that put things into perspective, we must be like minded and fab. Blogging is an edited moment, thought, and it will fly away in people's minds until they read something else that catches their attention. I just don't have the attention to write about my boring ass life, but I want to try harder. I need to relieve the load that chatters in my brain.