The End. Post Graduate Updates.

Undergraduate/Graduate: Still stressed

So the end happened.  About three months I was honored my degree for an MFA in Writing for the Screen and Stage.

My man, my family came to support me in the mean streets of Evanston.  Everyone was happy for me, but I was on the brink of meltdown. Stress has a very debilitating effect on me. If you were to look into my brain under stress you would see countless checklists. In my mind I would be focused one checklist and then three little checklists will pop up.

Then I'll get a phone call, an email, a text. The checklists will all disappear. I lose my place. I take of whatever immediate distraction and then start sorting through the lists in my mind all over again.

I almost didn't make it in the ceremony because I filled out the wrong form. Yes, let me repeat that. I almost didn't walk in my own Masters Graduation ceremony, because I filled out the wrong form. I went to go pick up my graduation tickets. The woman politely informed me that I had not even registered for the ceremony. I was about to collapse on the ground and kick my feet in the air. But I couldn't, this was Northwestern University.  I had to put on my WASP gangster face on and not be affected. I negotiated my ass off and I barely got into the ceremony.

Every day leading up to that day was meltdown central, but I finally I walked across the stage, and looked into the crowd. I was amongst the most elite intellectuals in the nation, and I almost fucked up the most important moment of my graduate school career. However,  I was the happiest that I had ever been when I got my Masters hood put on me. I was meant to be there even if I almost sabotaged it.

I look at my two graduation pictures side by side. They look almost identical despite the fact that there is almost a decade between the two. I went to two colleges that had purple school colors! My parents also have a penchant for fuchsia colored leis. I have the same look of uncertainty and fear. Don't be mistaken though- a lot of interesting and character building crap happened in between. The root of my fear is this- graduate school was the end game for my anxiety and fears in my twenties. Now that it's done and I'm in my thirties- what's next?

I have a large career to look forward to and the steps that I took to get to the first end game now have to be applied to this new one. The end has happened and now I have to move on.