Grieving Really Extreme

It's been a shiteous week. This past Wednesday I took the GRE and I straight FUBAR'ed that shit. If I took the test with my eyes closed, I probably would have gotten the same score. Remember that feeling you had as a kid whenever you got lost in a store?

You're choked up and confused, with no idea where you are supposed to be. There I was, in an air conditioned room, with a frozen face, and forgetting every single thing I studied for the past four and a half months.

My stomach was grumbling and my head was spinning. I had ten very difficult math questions left with only five minutes on the clock. I guessed the shit out of a section that I probably could have passed if I had more time.

I completed my test, my score was calculated, and I exited my station. The test site receptionist politely asked, "How did you do Christina?"

"Not so well," I replied.

"Oh." Silence.

I walked to my car and cried like someone had shot my puppy and ate it in front of me. A black civic parks next to me and I hear a girl frantically state, " I just want to get this over with!" I put on my shades I cried in a fetal position, because I didn't want my sobbing to ruin her moral.

To say that I'm taking this really hard, is very, super true. I've spent the rest of the week and weekend in my living room, with the shades closed watching Breaking Bad. I've been snappy, irritable, and fragile. My room mate has been delicate in approaching me, and I don't blame him.

I don't know why this is such a hard hit. Well actually, I do know. This time last year I was in a really bad place, which subsequently resulted in my big move to Los Angeles. In the past year I've thrown myself into a fury of self-improvement that would make Tony Robbins proud of me.

As my mom would say, "It's just a fucking test Christina." After I started laughing, she did mention that it was admirable that it was so important to me.

Yes, I know. For some reason it was really important to me. However, as I've learned if something is really important to you, than it takes even more patience and drive to achieve it. I'm taking a month off to give my brain a rest. In three months I'm going to take the test again.

Patience is a beautiful virtue that I wasn't born with, hence why I have to learn it the hard way. Any dream takes an investment. Dreaming about it is the easy part. Working for it is going to take some pain. Oh lord oh mighty let the pain come.