Happy New Year: Here Comes the Sun. It's Alright.

Me and E. during Lorna and Omz's wedding

Before the new year I had so many inspirational things I wanted to share with you guys. I wanted to share my new state of positive thinking.

It's still there, but I the holidays kicked my ass. I ran around my mom's house like a chicken with my head cut off, trying to prepare all of these things and I didn't really get a chance to process the experience.

My extended family was in such a positive mood, and I truly enjoyed everyone's company. I haven't felt this connected to them in a long time. I guess that's the true power of the Christmas, I get to see my whole family even if its only for a short period of time.

As much as I tried to keep my heart upbeat, it was hard to not realize that there was a lot of loss this year. 2011 was a year for people to bear their crosses, and find their way out of the darkness.  As more people report of people they've lost, I shut the emotions out because I'm still dealing with E.'s death.

For the past three months my gchat status was "e." which I've had since the day he died. I finally changed it today, because I have to make another step in saying goodbye.

For the most part I think that I've accepted E.'s death, but then a song comes on and my car is just a puddle of tears. There are nights when I have dreams where we just hugged and I can smell those African oils he used to wear. God, I even miss fighting with him. It's silly to think about that, but at least when we were fighting it showed that we cared about each other. I wish he was alive to see my transformation, new found maturity, and willingness to forgive.

Positive thinking is like any skill in which you have to do a lot of work to maintain it. You can't do it without help. You have to surround yourself with folks that support your process, and want to walk the same journey with you.  There are some deep and important relationships I've had to put on pause for this very reason. Although I think of these people often, my heart tells me that I have to go on this journey without them.

I thank everyone who's contributed to my growth. To chose who have challenged me I forgive you. In return I just ask that you forgive me too.  Happy New Year everyone. The best version of yourself is waiting to see you. Give yourself a high five when  you get there.