Relief

It's lonely being angry.

Earlier today I read my posts from the past week, and I see that I was all over the place. Like someone took a bag of marbles from my brain and just spilled them all over the floor.

I used to carry a lot of anger towards myself, because I had shown that I was easy to manipulate. I have a tendency to trust terrible people, therefore all of it is my fault.

So I'm now obsessed with Yoga. Yoga either attracts the obnoxiously peaceful or the emotional train wrecks like myself. I don't brag that I do Yoga, because it implies that I can afford the ridiculous prices, and I am a crunchy granola yuppy. Well, I'm actually a crunchy granola hipster, because I only go to the $5 classes!

This pose that I'm doing this picture, is an advanced version of a pose that is really hard. It requires a certain amount of strength and a lot of men can't do it. Two months ago there was was no way I could have balanced my foot onto my leg. I could barely hold myself up. My arm would shake, as if a bridge was about to break. I would get very frustrated and I would literally cuss at the pose. If you want to know what angry yoga sounds like, set your mat next to mine

When I first started doing Yoga I carried a lot of anguish when I came into class, and I would power through the poses as if it were circuit training. Many yoga classes end with Shavasana which offers time to feel the effects of your practice and to rest as you lie down on your mat for 5 to 10 minutes. In my first class I cried during Shavansana. All of sudden the tension that I had carried for the past five years was released, and I had no pride or ego to hold it in. Of course I had to do it silently so I didn't look like a freak. Before anyone had a chance to open their eyes I wiped my eyes and I scurried out the door. Maybe I was crying because I was so glad the class was over ;)

The Shavansana is the most interesting concept in Yoga, because you are training your body to rest. You put your body through a lengthy and tortuous session and it is now to time to reflect. This contradicts many aspects of how Americans view exercise. We exercise to look good, and that's it. There is not time to rest when you have too look good.

My time in Los Angeles has been a two month Shavansana. Once you rest and reflect on your practice it will get better over time. My life practice has been very scattered, but it was because I was forcing it to be linear.

When I finally got this pose I felt like a beam of light was shooting from my ribs. My arm was solid and rooted to the ground, and my foot came up my leg so effortlessly, as if I was dancing. In Yoga as it is in life, you can master something, and then become challenged with something else.

I wish the rules were different. It wouldn't be called practice if it all came easy.