The Year of the Planner

As I began my statement of purpose this morning, I felt my breath pacing in that very worrisome way that I hate.

The only voice that I could hear in my head was "I am not going to get accepted to any of these programs." If I ask teachers to write me letter of recommendation, I'm going to be wasting their time. I started to cry in front of my computer.

It was more than doubt meeting insecurity, it was a reality check. I realized that I'm running a race for the Olympics when I didn't train all year. There is no way I'm going to win.

I just dawned on me that I was laid off of my job just four months ago, and I've been living in Los Angeles for two months. How the hell am I'm going to turn in MFA worthy writing in a month? I have the talent to write things quickly, but I cannot "wing" a manuscript in a month. I have a year to be in Los Angeles. I can use this year wisely so for next year's applications, so I don't feel so unprepared. If I take my time I can have enough to show that I'm a writer. My blog doesn't exactly show that I'm a great candidate for a MFA program in writing.

I've applied to grad school twice and I did not get in, but it's taken me a long time to realize why. In the past, I would hastily pick a program, in hopes that I would get in and escape my monotonous life in San Francisco. I was also using grad school as a means please my parents, because I wanted to show them that I could become more than a poor social worker. This is not to discredit the work that social workers do. It's an incredible and rewarding job. However, truth be told it can long and miserable place to be, because there is a ridiculous lack of support.

You need to be a special person to make it your life's purpose. I will always be socially and politically engaged in everything that I do, but I couldn't continue on the path that I was on. It was becoming destructive. I was starting to hate service. This not the trait of a good human.

Why have I chosen writing? It's the only thing that I'm remotely good at. I would do it in my sleep, and I would do it for free. It's a skill that is mine, and I don't have to share it with anyone, but it needs a lot of work. I need to write more and I need to get published. Things do do include refreshing my grammar and language, expand my range in writing, and to read more.

I'm great at planning when I am accountable to other people, but when it comes to myself I don't think I've ever planned beyond a week. So here it is. My plan is to take classes here in Los Angeles for the rest of the year. If all works out well, I can move NYC by September and continue to take classes and write. By December of next year, I will not be so ill prepared for the Olympics. I will take this year to train.

Inspired by Samarai, Miyamoto Musashi, I'm in a process of letting things go of what I know and just be.