For the past three years I've been having to show up for work at 7:30AM and I seriously won't remember a single dream for months at a time. Last night I had the pregnancy dream that I have once every couple of years.
I look up the meaning of pregnancy dreams as soon as I wake up. All of the meanings that I read lead to the big change that awaits me, and truth be told, I am so afraid to leave my home. It's all that I've ever known, but this is exactly the reason why I should move in the first place.
Okay, I know why I'm stressed. It's because I've been in motherfucking panic mode. Every time I open my eyes I'm losing something big, and I can only hope the losses will not get any bigger. As the reality of my move reaches nearer, I feel like I'm putting myself in another state of panic.
The questions keep coming. How am I going to move there? What am I going to take? Will I have enough money when I get there. Am I healthy? What if something happens to me out there? What if something happens to my family while I am gone?
I'm adjusted to this anxiety, but I hate it. On top of that I have to hold in my feelings of contempt, pity, and rage so I can just get through the day without calling a list a people that deserve to be bitched out. So here come the crazy ass dreams again.
My baby. The one that I hope to have one day.
This time I am pregnant and in labor. I joke about not having kids all the time, and my mother has told me numerous times that I look weird and unnatural holding a child. I remember in my own dream being shocked to see myself pregnant. I remember touching my own belly and its hard, really hard, like I had just swallowed a watermelon.
Once every couple of years I have a pregnant dream, but I've never had a dream where I was in labor. This was very painful.
The dream starts with me in Los Angeles, where I've been living by myself and I some how get knocked up by a dude that looks like Akon. Yeah, I know don't ask. Akon looks like a troll and I would never in a million years beast him unless I was blind and he didn't tell me who he was.
Anyways, for some reason I am back in Daly City. I am in labor, but my stomach isn't very big so I must not be in full term. I feel the contractions. My Akon look alike babydaddy is a deadbeat, so my mother is helping me look for baby clothes at the prestigious Babies R Us off of Serramonte Blvd. Apparently, I'm in labor in Daly City without a single thing for my baby. It's foggy, it's cold, and I'm really starting to resent being knocked up in the city that I used to refer to as "fog hell."
I feel myself stressing and I'm alone on Serramonte Blvd, and then he shows up.
*sigh* He shows up with a stroller and this other stuff for a baby that is not his. I am so happy to see him. We look at each other, and he smiles at me in that signature expression that won me back every time. If you've ever read Eat Pray Love, he is the divorce. My whole marriage trajectory from the moment I was a little girl was supposed to be with him.
It didn't work out that way.
Why is he here? After everything that has happened why would he be here for me now? In his true random act of support he is there at my worst moment, but he was not there at my worst moments with him.
It's because my subconscious shedding memories. We lived together in Daly City. That's why he is here. He is in my dream because we abandoned our dreams together, and I cannot take the repercussions of it any longer. I've been grieving the loss of my monogamous yet tragic partner. My thoughts of him always bring up issues of failure. I failed, he failed, we failed, and now I'm leaving.
I'm awake now, and I'm committed to dealing with this. If I am truly lucky to be pregnant for real one day, I do not want it to be under this much stress. Who knows who the dad is going to be, and frankly it better not be Akon because my baby is for sure not going to look like a troll.
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