My Journey in Vanity

My Christmas Look

I will be first to admit that Los Angeles has made me super vain. I tried my best to resist, but I miserably failed. I'm not even going to explain myself. It is what it is. I pat myself on the back for not buying as much clothes this year, but omg, I bought so much makeup I feel like a freaking Kardashian. Well I can also blame my penchant for youtube beauty blogs and Rupaul's Drag Race. 

Not that I aim to look like a drag queen in my every day look, but it changed some perspective. I look back on the years where I looked like shit, and I tremble. It was not a reflection of my best self, because I was a wreck. There's this god awful picture at my grandma's house from when I had boy short hair and no makeup. My brother jokes that he didn't know he had a brother -_-

So guess what? I got tips! Here's my two cents.

1. Ritualize Getting Ready: Remember the opening scene to To Wong Foo Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar?  It's actually my favorite part of the movie :) When I shut the door and get ready in my bathroom, it's my selfish bitch time. I will take as long as I need to. I got my "Pretty Girl Rock" playlist on, and I do what I need to do!

2. Get that Good Shit: The holy trinity of awesome is MAC, NARS, and sometimes Urban Decay. Primer, bronzer, MAC brushes, and HD cream blush have been my favorite purchases this year. Although all these steps has extended my getting ready time, I've gotten better at putting on makeup. The purchases were a good investment in my vanity :)

3. Night With the Girls/Gays = Pictures: So shellac the shit out of that grill of yours! All I'm gonna say is, you don't want to be plain face in a group picture. Yes, this includes the gays.

4. Magazines In The Bathroom: I have a Mt. Everest worthy stack of magazines in my bathroom. So now you've learned that I'm a "reader" in the bathroom. However, I take this time seriously. I've learned some of my best beauty techniques during this time. There is a lot of irony in that.

5. False Eyelashes: Are the bomb! Learn how to use them. They make pictures look better, and my smokey eye look is never complete without them.

6. You're Still Smart. You Just Have A Cuter Outfit: I often dream that Stacy and Clinton from What Not to Wear will ask my brother and I to take over their show. If there is a talent that my brother and I share it's talking shit in a really loving way. Of course, I doubt we are qualified to take over the show. Anyhoo, I'm digressing. I used to have this perception that I had to reflect my beliefs through my appearance. If you went to a college with a lot of activist influence, then you'll know what I'm talking about. "I'm just down to earth," great, well you're face is also shiny in pictures.

It is very possible to have both a low maintenance personality and a hot look. If people judge you, that's their problem. As long as your beliefs remain in your heart, who gives a shit on how much money and time you spend on yourself. If I don't see you kick a baby or push an old lady, then go ahead and buy those shoes.

Winter Updates

Awesome Turban Headband

It's been a minute since I last blogged. Well good news first, I did well on the GRE :)

The improvement was phenomenal, and it attributed to better preparation and a good state of mind. I didn't study on the day of the test, or even the day before. I got some of that good sleep, and on the day of the test I actually took the breaks and ate my snacks.

Let me just say, the improvement was phenomenal. I wish I had learned these skills in high school, but there are a lot of things that I learned from taking this test that will help me for the rest of my life.

Before, my emotions and expectations weighed so heavy on this test. Talking about grad school has been like talking about that great American novel that I have yet to right. People expect that I'll do it because I said I would, but in my heart there were a lot of doubts in my ability. I honestly thought the process would be easy, so I hastily applied to programs that I wasn't sure I would be happy in.

I've made it back to LA, and I gotta finish the rest of of these applications. Christmas was just a mini vacay, and I'm now I'm back on the grind.  I'm applying to a lot of schools this time around, and hoping for the best. It's the recession, and I know that a lot of people are also applying for grad school as well, so it's even more competitive than it was before.

Fuck These Pain in the Ass Cake pops

Emotionally, I'm prepared if I don't get into anything. I could sit here and be scared and discouraged, or try my damnedest and move on. There's no use in being stuck in what you couldn't have at the time that you wanted it.

Christmas was hella crazy! I got into the bay on the 21st and decided as soon as I landed that I was going to make cake pops for my family. I think from the 22nd-24th I made like a thousand of those stupid ass cake pops.  I did a cookie dough and red velvet cake pop.

The cookie dough cake pop (link to recipe) was kind of the bomb, the red velvet not so much. The red velvet cake kept breaking off. UGH!  Because the cookie dough cake pops were the prettiest, I gave those as gifts. I left the red velvet on the dessert table, and no one touched them :( They were not as big of a hit as I hoped, but now I know how to make them, and will do better next time.

Aside from my cake pop melt down, I had a great time seeing family and friends.  I know I was super stressed before, but everything went well. It was great to see all of my nieces and nephews, and I tried to make it a point to talk to as many of them as possible. I remember holding most of them as babies, and now they are driving!  My family is getting larger by the second as I am getting older.

Every Christmas could be just as good as this one. It will take some serenity prayers and preparation, which I learned the hard way. Anyhoo, HO HO HO y'all.

Current Obsesssions

1. Air Jordan Retro 3 Cements

2. Leather Leggings

3. Motorcycle Jackets

4. Sheer Blouses

5. Statement Necklaces 

Btw I'm trying out Polyvore :) I've always wanted to make a collage like this. 

Don't Give Up. Work Harder.

A shitty hand dealt to me during Pasoy Dos, but I still played. 

I'm the taking the GRE today for the third time. The past two times have been god awful, and I spent a good hour after each test crying in my car.  Last time I cried so hard, I crouched in my driver's seat so that none of the arriving test takers could hear me. I didn't want to ruin their moral!

Well, who knows whether or not the car is going to stay dry this time, but today is different from the other tests.  My emotions are attached to this test still, but for a different reason. It doesn't matter if I get into an M.F.A program this year. As much as I really want it, I'm not going to be defeated if I don't get accepted into anything.

Aside for maybe a week or two of mourning, I know that the world doesn't stop or end with this outcome. The cards will fall where they fall. I will go back to the drawing board and figure out another way. If there is anything about the time that I've spent away from home, it's that I realized my goals. Not only did I realize my goals, but I figured out what my process is supposed to be.

All my life I've wanted to be a Tiger mom's wet dream. I wanted to wave my scholastic achievements to my naysayers and haters. My idea of achievement was very limited, and it was meant to please other people, and not myself.

Well fuck everyone. Seriously. Fuck everyone. As my mom would say, "It's just a fucking test Christina."

I think I've mentioned before that I hated the book, The Alchemist. I was so pissed at the ending, because it was such a let down.  As I think of protagonist's journey through all that endless desert, I was annoyed that he had wasted all of that time. He didn't get what he initially wanted, but it was about he journey, blah blah blah! That was five years ago when I read that book, and I finally understand what the story is about.

Our egos are so damaged when certain plans are not crystallized. Some people don't even try, because they are afraid to fail. I didn't realize that was I was so anxiety ridden when I was younger. Everything was black and white for me. It was either achieve or fail, and nothing in between was acceptable.

I don't know I've just taken a beating through the years, but I've surrendered. Working hard is working hard, no matter what program, what job, what city, or which ever environment I decide to be in.

I am the Alchemist, bitch.

Wherever the cards fall, none of it was a waste of time. After my test today. I'm going to continue to work hard, ask for help, and reassess if I need to. It's just a test. I'm just a human. I'll be fine.

Playlist as of Now: Mostly Hipster Humdrum

Okay warning: Video is totally scary and creepy. Just close your eyes


Oldie but goodie. Bindlestiff's Rockstars: Golda and the Gunz.
Catch Me if You Can by cying689

Poshmark

I just joined Poshmark, which was an idea I got from Yoshi. It's an iphone app that helps you sell clothes to a community, with a instagram-like experience. I've been super addicted to instagram, and when I saw there was an app that sells clothes with the same feel, I thought I'd give it a try. However, like instagram, it's only an app for your phone so there isn't an actual website.

If you are Poshmark my user name is @boothebootch. Most of my clothes are a size 4; Small/Med; Shoes: 5 1/2 or 6. This is what I'm selling right now:

Just a side note: Modeling the clothes was a funny experience in itself. I'm shitty at taking my own pictures through my iphone. This a huge reason why I'm not a fashion blogger.

So I used photobooth on my mac instead. I waited till my roommate left the house, so that I could use the kitchen as my "studio." As I propped my computer on my kitchen table,  I sucked in my gut like all hell,  so I could give fierce body like a drag queen after a buffet. 

If anyone has questions about the clothes. Just give me a holler in the comments. 

Stress-Mas

A therapist once told me that the most crucial time for their practice was around the holidays. Their main focus was to prepare their patients for their crazy families, and the anxiety that occurs in encountering this stressful time. Apparently, I'm not the only one that wants to hide under the covers for Christmas.

Maybe I should find a last minute service trip to Africa or South America just in time for Christmas. There has to be more meaning to this day, and every year I'm stressed out with providing. I have certain family members that are obsessed with the have and have nots, and I could really give a shit.

There's been a lot of dead memories resurfacing. This time it's a healthy. I have to let these ghosts walk around and check out the new space. My head and my heart is not as fragile as it once was. Ugh, but the holidays exacerbate them. My goal is to keep it fun. Holidays are meant to be fun.

When I'm triggered with painful things to deal with, I'm Joel from Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind, but in my actual relationships I'm actually Kate. 

I wish I could say I was a victim like Joel, and that my only regret was that I left. It's always more complicated than that, which is why we try to forget that it happened.

Goal for 30: Believing in Love Again